Back To The Beginning

Continued from here...

I used to think that I knew a lot of stuff for sure. Now, I'm unsure about a lot of things.

But there is one thing about which I am absolutely certain.

God can turn death to life.

I had to die to learn how to live. Our old marriage died to make room for the new marriage. And I absolutely am not the source of this unearned new life. It must be God. There is absolutely no other way to explain how I could be in this place in my life otherwise. For most of the past three years I was angry with God and not praying that he would heal me. But being the ever faithful, loving higher power God is, God put the right people in my life at the right time to carry me. The fact that I am a person who experiences joy is the work of God.

This new life God has given me is different than I ever imagined. But in a deeper, more beautiful, more human way.

I have no clue why my husband chose recovery when most husbands don't, why I was lucky enough to be surrounded by the best therapists and 12-steppers out there when many women struggle to find good help, and why our marriage came back to life while others fade away. It is not because I made all the right decisions. It is certainly not because my husband made all of the right decisions.

Which brings me back to the point of the story. Conversion. Or reversion. Maybe.

We're finding ourselves in a season of new beginnings. Our new beginnings, through a string of well placed coincidences, has led us to once again embrace natural family planning and learn healthy intimacy through the Creighton model.

That's how we went from feeling that natural family planning was the source of many of our problems to feeling as though it is a precious gift that heals pain.

That's my story. I don't know if I told it well. I don't know if it will be meaningful to anyone but me. But I feel like I have a responsibility to carry this message forward to others. And this is one way to carry the message.

God can turn death into life.

The Tipping Point

I don't have many triggers anymore. They are so infrequent that sometimes I forget what it feels like. And then I remember.

Yesterday's phone call from my mom started off innocently enough. She had a quick question to ask. Could she borrow the leftover fabric from my wedding dress for a display at church?

Before I could even respond, the tears took my breath. So unexpectedly. My mom immediately backtracked, apologizing for asking about the material. I reassured her that she didn't hurt me in any way by asking for the material.

It's just that the mere mention of the fabric from my wedding dress started a chain reaction of negative feelings.

My mom is an amazing seamstress. When I got engaged, she offered to make a custom one-of-a-kind dress. It was stunning, and it was the perfect dress for me. Simple, modest, with a vintage feel. My dream dress. It took many trips for her to complete it (we didn't live near each other), and we spent so much time together. When she finished the dress, there was quite a bit of extra fabric left over. I decided to have her store it in her basement so that I could use it for a baptismal gown some day.

So when my mom mentioned the fabric yesterday, my emotional reaction wasn't just about the fabric. It was about losses. The dress that was beautifully designed with love that sits in my parents' basement because it's too hard for me to have in my house. The wedding photos that were either destroyed or tucked away because I feel sick when I see them. The fabric, that was supposed to be sewn into a baptismal gown for a little baby girl some day. Fabric that now somehow feels tainted.

Everything surrounding our marriage day is now clouded with the knowledge that my husband was an addict the day he married me. He lied to my family, friends, priest, and me. He had already had sex with other people while we were engaged. While my mom and I excitedly worked on that dress and talked about my bright and happy future with my soon-to-be husband.

I am happy in my life now. But I still grieve the losses.

The Second Miracle

Continued from here...

My therapist says that anger is usually a symptom of a more vulnerable emotion. My husband was in real recovery, and the only way I can describe it is that it was a miracle. But all I could do was be angry. It shielded me from the pain of his actions. It shielded me from the fear of opening my life back up to him. And it protected me from vulnerability.

Everything my husband did in the first few months after he moved back in irritated me. I was always mad at him. Unwilling to forgive or open up my fragile heart to him. I just wasn't ready. But I was also miserable.

My husband came home from therapy one day and showed me a flyer he had seen at his therapist's office for a women's betrayal trauma group. I didn't want to sign up, but I was so miserable and knew that I needed more help.

I'm now pretty convinced that God was reaching out to me over and over during the first year of my husband's recovery, begging me to trust the process and to trust God. But I was pretty good at ignoring the message. So he sent the message in the form of a female therapist. That I was able to open myself up to life and God again through work with her is the second miracle in the story. She gave me hope.

And hope led to the beginning of a conversion. Or maybe a reversion...

Rational Thought

Continued from here and then here...

Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy.

I had tried every possible method to convince my husband to get better. I had worked for a year to try harder and beg more. I put my foot down countless times in anger. Trying to convince myself that this time it would make him stop acting out. And, of course, none of that worked.

Never once did I consider surrendering the situation to God. I know now that I never had any control to begin with, but at the time, I acted as though I was self-sufficient. Besides, even the existence of a higher power was, at best, a shaky concept.

So imagine my surprise when I decided to give up on my marriage, to stop trying, that my husband found some sobriety. His newfound recovery didn't make sense. I had made my decision. Me, myself, and I had assessed the situation, decided there was no hope, and resigned. And I was wrong.

It was really, for me, the first time I really had to wave the white flag and admit that I was not in control. Of outcomes, of other people, of situations.

The only possible way to explain what I witnessed in my husband is that it was a miracle. I couldn't rationalize it.

And it not only blew my mind, it made me angry...

Spiritual Darkness

Continued from here...

I got so lost in trying to sort through what was right and wrong in my own situation and focused so much on trying to "do it right" and make my marriage fit in the Catholic rule books. I wavered between feeling like I had to get an annulment to feeling like I was an evil sinner by being on birth control to feeling like Church doctrine was useless. It was after many sessions worrying about the rules, and feeling in between a rock and a hard place, that my therapist said, Eleanor, the rules make sense for couples of healthy mind, body, and spirit. You are doing the best you can in circumstances that don't make sense right now. Don't focus so much on the rules, focus on your safety, security, and healthy boundaries. Do the best you can, and you will find the answers you need.

I took my first deep breath in months after hearing those words. I tried my best to heed her advice and focus on my own healing, knowing that the answers would come in time. But patience and tolerance of mental discord are not my best qualities. So it was a rough road.

Little by little, I tried to accept a future that might include no more children. And no more marriage. I tried so desperately to accept that I was experiencing a spiritual darkness rather than trying so hard to reason my way out of it. I started working to appreciate even more the gift of the child I was able to have. Learning from my 12-step group to practice an attitude of gratitude. Not easy. And I failed a lot. But I did start to experience more joy, even in the midst of darkness.

And then my reality started to change. The husband I gave up on started to reappear. And he was calmer. His face more solemn and less angry. His behavior more predictable, and his presence more safe. Month after month of consistency, apologies, and accountability.

And that's when everything got scary...

A Fragile Conversion Story

Sometimes the experiences I hold most dear are the most difficult to share. At the risk of feeling vulnerable, this is the story of a conversion that is in the making.

When we were first married, we agreed that I was not going to use contraception. We successfully used natural family planning techniques to avoid pregnancy. Unfortunately, I used it as an excuse to avoid intimacy, and Husband used it as an excuse to resent me.

When D-Day happened, I was angry at a lot of things, including the Catholic Church's teachings on sexuality, at least what I knew of them at the time. I felt as though natural family planning left me exposed and used. In addition to closing off sexual intimacy with my husband for obvious reasons, I also closed off fertility completely by going on birth control. I had always wanted to be open to life and have several children if possible, and we had been discussing trying to have another child right before D-Day. I was bitter and resentful for the loss of that dream. I blamed our marriage troubles and the addiction, in part, on following church teaching on sexual intimacy.

I remained bitter towards the Church and kept my fertility shut off for almost three years. I thought that only a miracle would convince me to change my mind.

To be continued...

Say It Out Loud

When I'm having a difficult time with something, my natural tendency is to turn inward. To shut off communication, "hide out" doing projects, or get lost in the world of imaginary play with my son. 

So let me tell you a little secret that took me years of therapy to figure out: Always turning inward doesn't really work that well as a long-term strategy for dealing with conflict in relationships.

It's been a week of transition for our family. Transitions are hard for people without significant life stressors, so that means that for a recovering addict, they are nearly impossible. Thankfully, this transition has been less bumpy than in years past. But still pretty bumpy. Filled with the kind of crazy-making behavior to which many wives of recovering addicts can relate.

I'm learning that I don't have to always silently suffer through the headaches, stomach pains, and insomnia that are often the side effects of turning inward.

I can turn outward because I am healthier. I can share my emotions with a safe person. And against all odds, my husband happens to be on the safe person list at this point in my life.

I can say that I'm feeling empty this week. I feel vulnerable, hurt, and lonely. These used to be such terrifying emotions to let myself feel, let alone express to another human being. I thought that they ruined everything. They signaled the inevitable demise of whatever relationship with which they were associated.

But they are starting to become a regular vocabulary of emotions for me thanks to my handy emotion charts and lots of practice. They are a little less scary. These types of emotions don't indicate that my marriage is doomed, or that either one of us is a failure.

They just mean that we're going through a transition.

Watching The Minutes

I should be sleeping by now. The minutes on the clock tell me that it's past midnight. Where did my rock star sleeping skills go? I used to nap every weekend and get nine hours of sleep each night.

No problem.

I know exactly when I had my first real bout of insomnia. It was two days after D-Day. I stayed up for almost three days with only a few hours of sleep before my body finally gave in.

Is it the nightmares, or better yet, the fear of nightmares that keeps my eyes open? Sometimes. I had nightmares before D-Day. It's always been a thing for me. But now they are more vivid. More jarring.

Is it fear or anxiety? Maybe. I still have fears and anxiety, but I can't remember a time in my adult life when I have felt as much peace as I do lately.

Is it trauma residue that needs to be explored? Possibly. I think that for me, there will always be healing and growing work to do.

Medication helps sometimes. I've tried most sleeping concoctions out there. I don't drink caffeine in the evening, I have a comfortably cool bedroom, I have a fan to drown out noise, I listen to relaxing music, take a bubble bath, drink hot (decaffienated) tea. I thank God for the gift of serenity and pray that God will show me what it is that I need to discover through this particular challenge. I ask for the gift of nightmare-free sleep.

And then I lie down in bed and watch the minutes.

From The Mouth Of My Babe

My husband and I are both working hard to create a healthy partnership and a safe and loving environment for our son. I'm so grateful to be in this place, despite all of the heartache and setbacks.  But like most couples, we sometimes fight the same battles over and over again without resolution. The division of household chores is one of them.

I recently assigned my son regular chores with a very small allowance to teach him about family responsibility and help him understand how money works. So when I overheard the following conversation today, I had to giggle.

Son: Daddy, what are your family chores?
Husband: Ummm, I sometimes do the laundry.
Son: But why don't you do more chores like me and mommy?
Husband: (looking over his shoulder towards me) Busted.

Breathing New Life

I see Betty almost every day. She peeks through her closed curtains and looks towards my house. I wave. Sometimes she waves back and sometimes she doesn't. I've lived in my house for a year, and I've never seen her outside. Her husband says she has dementia.

Yesterday my son and his friend were in the front yard building dirt ramps for their matchbox cars. I was sitting on the porch when I heard Betty. "Hello Eleanor!" I had never spoken to her before, so I was surprised that she knew my name. "I hope you don't mind me being over here." She said as she walked to my porch. "I always try to watch to see when your son is out playing. It just warms my heart to see little boys play in the dirt. Your son is such a precious gift."

I thanked her for her kind words. "You know I once had two little boys of my own." She said. "Watching them play in the dirt was so special."

Later that evening, Bonnie made her nightly visit to our fence. She is a widow, and her five grown children have all moved away. "What's new?" She said. I told her about my visit with Betty. "She came out of the house??" She remarked. "You know about her boys, right? One of her sons has a mental disability and has a hard time. The other one was left by his wife and committed suicide about ten years ago. After he died, Betty just stopped coming out of her house. I guess that sweet boy of yours was enough to get her back out."

In his short life thus far, my son has brought joy to those who suffer simply by smiling his sweet smile, sharing his sensitive spirit, and reminding us of the gift of childhood innocence. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself because I only have one child and not a whole bunch of children as I had planned. But Betty reminded me that my one child is a priceless gift for which I am forever grateful.

Creative Pain

Pain, especially emotional pain, baffles me. It is at once impossible, stopping people in their tracks and weighing their souls down, and inspiring, pushing people to expand their world and grow their love.

Pain has been both of these things to me. A crusher of my spirit but also a giver of new life. This year has brought new opportunities to go medication free, to spend an incredible amount of time in therapy and 12 step work, and to experience painful growth in my marriage. 

Working through my pain is now giving me an unexpected gift. Creativity.

I never thought of myself as a creator. Never an artist. Either I didn't have these skills before, or my sense of creativity was stifled by pain, anxiety, and fear.

But God is guiding my healing in a new and unexpected direction. I am finding an amazing sense of peace in creating. I tackled my own kitchen renovation earlier in the summer, I've created design pieces for my home, and I've learned enough about sewing to make my first dress. It is satisfying to see a finished product, but as I've struggled through spiritual darkness, creating has become a form of prayer. It channels my pain into something beautiful, and it gives me the peace to see God's work in my life.

The Invisible Wife, Part Three

The Invisible Wife starts to hear a familiar voice. She feels herself in a familiar place, where all of her resources have been maxed out, her reserves empty, and her heart broken.

The familiar voice whispers, "It's time to let go. Rest for a while, I'll take care of you."

The familiar voice and the familiar place always give her that message. The one that is so very hard to remember. The message of surrender and acceptance.

She releases her grip, realizing how sore her fingers were from holding so tightly to the outcomes for which she hoped. She looks around and notices her toes need a pedicure. She notices that her aching shoulders could use a bubble bath. Her muscles could use a run.

The Invisible Wife is not invisible to God. She is learning a lesson she must learn over and over again. The message of letting go. God teaches her with ever gentle messages, allowing her to see beauty in her story and power in God's amazing work.

The Invisible Wife, Part Two

The Invisible Wife decides to isolate from the recovering addict. Feeling betrayed and abandoned, she spends her time alone, trying to figure out exactly where she went so very wrong. How did she get to this point of hopelessness and despair? She once had such strength, such determination, she thinks. There was a time when there was no problem she thought so big that she could not solve it by will power and careful planning.

But here she finds herself feeling alone and empty. No pulling herself up by the bootstraps now. The Invisible Woman is at a crossroads. She has exhausted herself completely. Fixing, guiding, leading, analyzing. Objectifying her marriage.

Where does The Invisible Woman turn at such a crossroads?

The Invisible Wife

The sick addict finally turns his life around after leaving a path of destruction in his wake. He is praised for his hard work and welcomed with open arms by his family. He feels satisfaction in helping those who are still held captive by addiction and devotes his time to answering late night phone calls and early morning texts.

And his wife, who at times remains bleeding on the ground from the destruction, starts to wonder. Why can't she welcome him with open arms? Embrace his newfound sobriety? Doesn't she know the story of the prodigal son or the lost sheep?

Right or wrong, the wife feels a bit ignored. Were it not for her sacrifice, suffering, and compassion, she thinks, the addict would for sure be bankrupt, without a family or home, and would possibly not even be alive.

But was she really involved in all of this? Is it even reasonable to expect the family of the addict to acknowledge her? A Higher Power and the addict are surely to be respected for this miracle of recovery, maybe the role of the wife is really just a role of observer.

She finds herself lying in bed alone at night, wondering if she might be The Invisible Wife.

Mourning My False Self

My false self has been nurtured well over the years. It's the parts of me I let people see. Fr. Richard Rohr (my absolute favorite spiritual leader/writer) says that this protection and building of the false self is part of the first half of life, the ascension.

I totally rocked that part of life. I could mold my behavior, my image, even my appearance, to be what other people desired from me. The goal for me, ultimately, was approval and praise.

The problem, according to Fr. Rohr, comes when one works so hard to cultivate the false self that she ignores and denies her shadow self. The shadow is human weakness, character defects according to 12-step.

And so it appears that living through D-Day has caused my false self to start disintegrating. Those things I worked so hard to protect, like the image of the perfect family, became impossible to protect. I started to realize that living my life to get praise from others was miserable.

Fr. Rohr describes the phase I find myself in right now as the descent, which is ultimately just plain old reality. I'm finding myself in situation after situation where my weaknesses are being made clear. I like to be right all the time, I'm stubborn, I have a serious emotional eating problem, and I'm terrified of intimacy.

The funny thing about this awareness of my weaknesses is that I'm overall happier now than I've ever been. Humiliated, for sure, but feeling more authentic.

I Receive This

My therapist introduced an amazing concept to me.

I can choose whether or not to accept another person's opinion of me. I have no control over what another person chooses to say to me, but I can choose whether or not to receive those words. She said that sometimes when a person gives her a compliment, she will even say out loud to the person, "I receive that".

And it just so happens to work the other way around. I can also choose not to receive words.

Someone close to me recently told me that I really need to teach my son to toughen up. At first, I started to internalize the comment, feeling ashamed of my parenting skills. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I intentionally refrain from giving my son the message that he needs to toughen up. I for sure encourage hard work and communication skills, but I choose not to stifle his naturally sensitive and caring nature. He's just fine the way he is, and so I chose not to receive that criticism. She was free to make the comment, but I'm also free to choose to reject it. It really helped me to stop the spiral of shameful thinking.

In my mind, I replaced the criticism with an affirmation. I am a good mom!

A Life Motto

"Wherever you are, be all there." ~Jim Elliot

So much wisdom in so few words. More thoughts to come...

The Biggest Loser

I used to cringe at the show The Biggest Loser. I know that many people love that show, and the trainers were truly saving people's lives. But I always felt so tense watching it. I thought it was awesome that the contestants were changing their lives for the better, and I knew that it was amazingly hard work.

I just couldn't stand all the crying.

It wasn't that I was thinking that the contestants were ridiculous. It's just that as they started losing weight and eating healthy, they started crying all the time. And being a person who avoided emotions at all costs, I couldn't bear to watch all the crying.

This week I've cried twice. That's like an Eleanor record. And I can't even blame PMS or a mean addict spouse or stress. I just cried, so unexpectedly. I haven't been using either eating too much or restrictive eating to avoid my emotions.

So the emotions just...come out.

And now I understand why the contestants seemed to cry uncontrollably on the TV show. When I don't eat my feelings, they just come out like they were probably intended to in the first place.

Real Life

"Never underestimate the inclination to bolt." ~ Pema Chodron

I know that I have been bolting from my real life since I can remember, but I didn't have a term for how I lived until recently. I used compulsive exercising, busyness, external achievements, obsessive worry, and most of all, food, as ways of escaping my life. Sure, I was going through the motions, doing what I needed to do, pretending to live. 

But I'm now convinced that I wasn't really living. 

Because what I've experienced lately as I try to engage in my real life has been different. Better. I feel like I'm starting to move toward the pain, and toward my real existence. And wouldn't you know it, moving toward the pain instead of away from it feels better. It hurts, but it feels better. Somehow. My husband and I actually got in a fight and resolved it a few weeks ago. As odd as it might seem, fighting and resolving for us is a true sign of progress. It meant that I cared enough to fight. I cared enough to want to be heard. And I cared enough to stay in the conversation and not bolt, even when I started to cry.

So now seems like the time to gently let go of some of my bolting techniques, specifically food. It has served its purpose in the past. It brought me comfort when I was alone and it made me feel full when I was empty. But the more I seek to have a relationship with my Higher Power, the more I feel prompted to let go of bolting. 

This is not a diet. It is not for the purpose of looking better or even for my physical health. This is an exercise (not unlike the process the sex addict goes through in recovery, ironically enough) in letting go of the idea that food can make me happy. I have given food way too much power for way too many years. I confessed my true relationship to food to my therapy group this week, and it's almost as if the crazy obsessive thoughts I have, once out there in the open, lost some of their power. 

I'm new to this, not even a month into this journey of trying to stay present in my real life. And to be honest, I miss what I thought food could give me, if that makes any sense. I'm fearful that I will fail. I'm fearful that I won't succeed and that I'll be a disappointment. Even today, I ate a healthy lunch and had enough food. But I lingered in the kitchen, trying to rationalize why more food would be better. I deserved it, I earned it, I miss the sensation of being so full it hurts. But instead, I said a prayer and sat down to write. 

So here's to a new journey. Of living in my real honest life, one day at a time.

Blogland

I blog for mostly selfish reasons. I like feeling a connection to people who understand my pain, and I like having an outlet that is disconnected from my immediate social and family circle. I blog to help myself, and I don't know that I do a whole lot of helping others with this space. There are so many wonderful writers who do the helping much better than me. I'm OK with that because I just really don't have any advice. I'm still in it. In the muck and the confusion and the hurt. I don't have answers, just experiences. My recovery moves at a snail's pace.

For so long, this blog has been exactly what I needed. It has provided with me an amazing sense of peace in some very dark times. I've been able to work through difficult memories and receive support when I needed it the most.

But like everything in life, things change. And I'm not sure this blog is helping me anymore. When I started this blog, I thought that I would be writing the story of a woman who divorced a sex addict because he wouldn't seek help. But as it turns out, I am now in the situation where I am still married, and the man I am married to is purposefully and diligently changing his life for the better. Along with him, I am also changing my life for the better.

Lately, I've felt like blogging has been a way for me to continue to isolate myself from real connection. There are a lot of things I write here that I don't tell Husband. I still don't feel safe in being vulnerable with him, but I started working with a new therapist, and I joined a women's trauma support group. I am making connections in my new city. But perhaps the most important reason to not isolate myself is that husband is trying so hard to be a good husband. I don't know if it will ever be enough. But I feel the urge to engage a bit in my real-life marriage and take a break from thinking through it on my blog.

So I might take a break here. I'll probably come back. I might even come back soon. I don't want to obligate myself to anything. I like to avoid that now as much as possible.

So for now, I'm going to go live a bit. I'll let you know how it goes.

Revenge Might Be a Little Sweet

Our history as a couple has involved a lot of Husband screwing up responsibilities and a lot of me being angry.

This morning, though, I screwed up responsibilities. I was sitting with Child in my lap, slowly waking up. I decided to check my planner for the day, since I have some serious memory problems. And to my surprise, I realized that I had a meeting in about 20 minutes. So I rushed into the shower, told Husband that he needed to take Child to school, and left Husband to finish getting Child ready. Husband ended up late to work because of my memory lapse.

And, moment of honesty. I didn't feel bad about my screw up. I didn't feel bad that I made Husband late for work. I had a lot of revenge thoughts in my mind. "Now he knows what this feels like. Serves him right after screwing up so much in the past. He deserves to know how this feels." I was a little bit pleased with myself at my mistake. Revenge was feeling pretty dang sweet.

But then, I got home from work. And Husband expressed some hurt feelings over the way I handled my screw up. Because I may or may not have joked (also known as a hidden criticism) as I was walking out the door about how Well, now you know what my life feels like everyday. Haha. 

Seeing his hurt feelings made revenge no longer feel so sweet. I got caught up in my self-righteousness, and I purposely said something knowing that it would hurt where my husband is most vulnerable.

I had to set some new boundaries earlier this week about finances that will protect me and Child better, and I think I got a little carried away with my problem of feeling as though I am inherently "better" than Husband.

I apologized, he said really nice things, and all is well tonight. And I feel a little more humble.

A Year After The Divorce Papers

February 2013

The lawyer called and said she had all the paperwork filed. I called my friend, and she agreed to watch our child so that I could deliver the news. He knew something was up. I had talked divorce many times before, it seemed like the only way to escape the pain. The pain burned my broken heart, and the newfound freedom from separation led me to believe that a divorce would be an instant healer. Separating was supposed to be a time for me to get help and for him to get help, but I just wanted it to be done. For me, the pain was like searing flames, burning my energy, my hope, my goodness. I wanted to give him my burns. See him suffer in the heat, and feel the fire of my pain. I wanted nothing more than for him to burn, alone.

But as I sat and waited for him to arrive, the desire to see him suffer and burn started to fade. Wait, don't fade! Keep the fire alive so that I can carry through with this! I'm fading! Just when I'm about to give the pain back to him, I'm fading...

By the time he arrived, I was a heaping mess in my room, well on my way to delirium from the cocktails I had consumed to try to salvage my fire. I blurted it all out. "I hate you. I don't want to be married to you. I want nothing more than to see you suffer for the pain you have caused. I want to never see you again and for you to live alone for the rest of your life, spending your days wishing you hadn't done these horrible things to ruin our family."

"But I can't do it. I'm so weak. I don't know why I can't go through with it. I don't have any backbone. Any self-respecting woman would have left you long ago. I hate you, and I hate myself for not being strong enough to leave you."

Husband said that he was so sorry. He is working as hard as he can to change his life. He is going to be the husband I deserve. He wishes he could take it all back. He hates himself for what he's done. I never deserved it.

And I thought bullshit and told him to get out of my house. I poured more cocktails and passed out on my bedroom floor.

February 2014

I remember the pain so well, a year ago today. I see my brokenness on that day from a new perspective. I can look back and see the emptiness that filled me. The longing for a relationship with God. The longing to feel loved by someone, anyone. The desperation in my voice as I spewed hateful words towards my husband and myself.

And I am so glad that I am not in the same place I was a year ago.

Filling The Void

I stopped at the grocery store on the way to pick up Child and bought three candy bars. And then I ate them in the car. Last week, I stopped on the way to work and picked up donuts. And then I ate them in the car. I started a bath last week and relaxed with a warm bath and chocolate.

Why? Why? Why?

My eating habits are directly and predictably related to my moods. I still have a really, really hard time recognizing two emotions. Sad, I've got that one down. Angry and lonely? Not so much.

I try to give it over to God. Here, God, take my emotional eating. I don't want it anymore. It never helps me. It only makes things worse. I get so convinced in my prayers that this is it. I know that I use food to fill the void. I feel a deep pit of lonely that I fill with food. I feel a deep rage that gets stuffed down with food. I know that I do this.

But each time, I take it back. I give over my emotional eating and then I take it back. Because I just need some chocolate. You know, to calm down, to ease the pain.

I miss my friends from where I used to live. I've had a hard time making new friends in my new city. I want mom-friends, but all of the mom groups at church and otherwise are typically only for moms who do not work outside the home and can meet at 10:00 AM on a weekday. I need working mom friends, like I had where I lived previously. Who like to set up play dates at 6:00 PM on weeknights. So I'm lonely, but the effort that would be required to get unlonely seems daunting.

I'm angry. So angry. Every two weeks, despite my very best intentions of giving over finances to God and setting the very best boundaries I can, I get angry. Because my husband overdrafts his account and gets non-sufficient funds notices. It does not affect me directly because of my boundaries. But it does mean that Husband doesn't contribute his fair share to our household finances. But setting yet another boundary is so much work.

No wonder I like to read books for addict. I'm pretty sure you could replace food with porn and that story above would read like a sex addict. I'm justifying my behavior by how I've been wronged. And I have been wronged, but food is not the answer. And I know that. But I continue the behavior.

I think I could learn a thing or two from a recovering addict.

Closet Addict?

Harriet's post got me thinking (and got others thinking as well!) about my journey. How do I feel about twelve-step philosophy?, way of life?, whatever you want to call it.

I have been a grateful member of S-Anon for 2.5 years. In that time, I've made amazing and lifelong friends. I have cried and laughed and raged in those rooms. I don't know if I was codependent or not (Husband and I agree that I don't really fit the mold, but I sort of did in some ways, maybe), and I don't really think it's important for me to figure that out. I'm what people call a "slow stepper". I've worked the steps at a rate of about one a year, because that is truly how long it has taken me to make lasting behavioral changes to admit my powerlessness and believe in a Higher Power that can restore me to sanity.

But what Harriet's post really got me thinking about was the fact that although I am a grateful member of S-Anon, I really gravitate toward the readings for the addict. I relate to the addict pain, the urgent desires to control and distract, the feeling as though I am searching for happiness in all the wrong places. I don't think I'm an addict by any classic definition, but I do think that I was hopelessly searching for happiness in places it will never be found.

For the past few months, I've been reading a new book, my absolute favorite so far. It's called Divine Therapy and Addiction, written by Tom S. and Father Thomas Keating. There is SO much wisdom in this book that I have to read it ever so slowly, meditating on phrases and letting them really sink in  before I can move on to the next page. So, summarizing it here would not do it justice. But, as I'm reading it, I'll probably continue to think and blog about passages from the book.

The recurring idea that has resonated with me the most so far, and the one that might explain why I relate so much to the plight of the addict is this: "We have this pervasive illness called the human condition, and it's very deeply rooted" (Keating, pg. 85). He goes on to describe how we, as humans, are programmed to seek control, affection, esteem and approval, and security from people. But inevitably, someone or something will fail us in meeting those needs at some point or another (because we all have the human condition), and our over-identification with trying to meet those needs through other flawed human beings often leads us to despair.

For me, this idea has meant everything. I most certainly searched and searched for happiness through controlling people, trying to get affection and approval from people, and trying to make my husband give me security. But people will always fail. My Higher Power, on the other hand, can give me everything I need by showing me how to let it go, if I let my Higher Power guide me.

Am I Real?

I wrote a guest post on my cousin's blog. She was interested in having me write a post, sort of a "day in the life" post. If anyone is reading this right now, you are probably chuckling. Because, let's be honest, jaws would drop if I wrote under my real name about what life was really like for me on a daily basis.

We'll let's see...usually my husband isn't at home in the evenings because he's a 12-step meetings. There's a whole lot of talk about sex and recovery and lying and betrayal and sponsees and serenity prayers. Sometimes I get freaked out because I have flashbacks of when he had sex with other people, but then I remember that this wasn't about my worth as a wife. There's awkward therapy dialogue and talk of our Higher Power and LOTS of new ways of interacting with our son to bust through the feelings of shame and worthlessness we brought into our marriage. We want our son to know his worth in this world, to know that it's OK to fail, and to know that unconditional love comes from a loving and merciful God.

Nope, I didn't write any of that. I talked about how before I had my son, I kind of thought I knew everything there was to know about parenting because of my career. And then, after I had my son, I realized that I really didn't know much at all. It was a rather lighthearted post, intended to make fun of myself a little and hopefully let other mothers know that we're all just flying by the seat of our pants here, even the most "trained" person is still going to be flustered as a parent sometimes.

People seemed to like the post. Someone commented that she loved how I was keeping it real. And I'm glad that people liked it. But to me, it felt pretty far from keeping it real. What people don't know is that the only reason that I was able to write a post like that where I admitted that I too struggle as a parent is because I've spent the last two plus years in therapy, I've been treated for depression and anxiety, and I understand now that I receive unconditional love from my Higher Power. But I left all those parts out of my lighthearted post and so to me, it felt a bit fake even though everything I wrote was true.

I'm glad that I can be really real all the way here, on my anonymous blog. Sometimes I just want to shout my real story from the rooftops. Because to me it's a miracle that I could be happier now than I was before I found out that my husband was an adulterous liar. But it's true. I am happier and healthier, and I know for sure that God is working through me. I have come to believe over the last year or so that I do have a loving Higher Power who shows unconditional love and mercy to me even in my brokenness.

Someday, I know that I will share my real story in a more public way. I feel it. I think that when the time is right, I will know.

I'm Different

I attended a 12-step conference last weekend. It was so powerful, and I learned so many new things. In order to reflect on what I've learned, I'm going to write it here in a few posts. See here and here for other posts about the conference.

One of the many blessings of being at the SANON conference last week was that I got to reconnect with many of the wonderful women who helped me survive during the months after D-Day. There were many hugs, long conversations, and plenty of tears.

Toward the end of the second night, when my emotions were raw and my brain was tired, I noticed my first sponsor sitting at a table nearby. And as I thought about our relationship, I became very emotional. It was in a conversation with her over a year ago that I realized that my situation was unacceptable. The words she used and the kindness she showed helped me to realize that I was worth more than how I was being treated by my husband. It was a changing moment for me, to realize that I had the power to stand up against unacceptable behavior and that it was OK for me to express my needs. To say what I mean, and mean what I say. To be firm in my convictions even if I upset Husband.

I knew when I saw her that I needed to thank her. I needed to let her know that her words and her kindness had a profound impact on my life. So after some tears and hugs and many thank yous from me, she said, simply "Eleanor, you look great."

I do look great. And I don't mean physically attractive. I'm sure she didn't mean physically attractive. She meant that I look strong. Standing by my choices and defending my right to live a healthy life. I have by no means conquered all of my demons, far from it. And I absolutely still have too many days where I waste time ruminating about the past and about things over which I have no control.

But I'm different than I was two years ago.

I Don't Have Control

I just returned from a 12-step conference. It was so powerful, and I learned so many new things. In order to reflect on what I've learned, I'm going to write it here in a few posts. Also see this post.

I mean, of course I don't have control, right? That's like, recovery 101. I can't control the addict. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. But I continue to be amazed at the more subtle ways I try to remain in control.

I realized this weekend that forgiveness for me is connected to control. I haven't written much about forgiveness on my blog, and the reason is simply that I hadn't done it. I hadn't forgiven my husband for his infidelity. And I didn't really know why until this weekend. Sure I had heard that forgiveness is healing for the person who was betrayed, forgiveness is really about not letting the past define you, forgiving doesn't mean you have to condone the behavior, and all the other phrases we throw around about forgiveness.

But I believed that if I forgave Husband, he would be tempted to act out again. And for me, there were many things wrong with that thought process.

First, I have absolutely no control over whether or not Husband is unfaithful again. Absolutely no control. And I was stopping myself from forgiving, something that was likely to bring me a lot of freedom from bitterness, because I thought it would make him act out. Second, although this was more of an unconscious rather than a conscious thought, I felt safe in my unforgiving state. I thought that I had some level of power over Husband by not forgiving. Like he would continue to "owe" me.

What really got me thinking about this was actually a comment that had to do with sexual intimacy. Someone asked, "How do I manage the fear I have that if I am sexual with Husband, it will trigger him to act out?" And another person responded simply, "Stop caring. His triggers are not yours to manage."

Somehow, that statement is what clicked for me. I can forgive my husband because I feel forgiveness in my heart. I have absolutely no control over what he does as a consequence of that forgiveness. So on Sunday, I formally forgave my husband. And for me, that means that I will no longer live in the past. I will not continually punish him for his past behavior. I will move forward. It doesn't mean that I condone what he did, that I will forget it, that I will let my boundaries go, or even that our relationship can be restored. It also doesn't necessarily mean that Husband has earned my forgiveness.

It simply means that I choose not to live in bitterness and resentment. I choose joy.

Trusting One Day At A Time

I just returned from a 12-step conference. It was so powerful, and I learned so many new things. In order to reflect on what I've learned, I'm going to write it here in a few posts.

Trust: The firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

How in the world could I ever trust Husband again?

I've thought about this over and over the last two-and-a-half years. He destroyed that trust so many times and continued to lie to my face even when he knew our marriage was hanging by a thread. It is one of the many confusing reasons I stay in a period of stuckness. My stuckness is a feeling that I might want to move forward in the marriage, coupled with an intense fear of being duped again. Sure he's doing all of the recovery things right now, but how do I know he'll continue doing them and not sink back into insanity?

The actions and words of Husband are consistent with someone who is working a strong recovery program. In fact, he is getting his 9-month chip today. But trusting him? That's a big scary thing that I just don't want to do. It's really hard to think about rebuilding a marriage if there is no trust. I thought that this was one of the pillars of a marriage commitment. And I still wholeheartedly believe trust must exist at some level for a marriage to rebuild after betrayal.

This weekend, I may have found an understanding of trust that I can handle. And here it is.

Someone said to me that you only have to trust one day at a time. Or even one moment at a time. Did you notice that the above definition of trust doesn't say anything about trusting for any certain time period? I can trust that my husband is not acting out when he is with me. OK, that works. I can trust him on a day when I know his whereabouts and his actions are consistent with his words. But I have the freedom to continually make that choice. And it doesn't always have to be that I trust him. I may be uncertain about something and decide to not trust him that day. On that day, I can do self-care and be extra conscious of my surroundings. But the next day could be different. And maybe the number of trust days will start to outweigh the non-trust days, but maybe they won't, and that will be important information for me to have either way.

Isn't that such a freeing idea? Maybe others already think about trust this way. But I did not. I thought that if I made a decision to trust him, I had to fully trust him all the days forever and ever. What a daunting and unreasonable expectation if I am trying to live one day at a time and in the present! If I choose to stay in my marriage one day at a time, why can trust not be the same way? It frees me from the overwhelming thoughts about what will happen tomorrow. And the next day. And in 20 years. Much like the addict can work a program one day at a time, I can choose trust one day at a time. And the freedom in knowing that I have choices to make each day is just one of the precious gifts I received this weekend.

Sacred Space and Intimacy

Following D-Day, I felt completely unsafe in almost every environment. Even in my own house, in my own bedroom. The only place I felt safe in the whole world was lying on the floor of Child's bedroom. I would listen to the fan, his sweet sleeping sounds, and feel the soft touch of his hand holding mine. It became a sacred space for me. As long as I was in that room, the world couldn't harm me. I also used it as an escape from Husband. I would lie in there for hours, waiting for the sound of Husband retreating to the bedroom to sleep. Once I was pretty sure he was asleep, I would come out of my sacred space.

I used this tactic even more when I knew that Husband was interested in intimacy of any kind. I would hide out in Child's bedroom and pretend to accidentally fall asleep in there. It was dishonest, what I did. But I wasn't strong enough yet to communicate openly about intimacy.

Now things are different. Communication is more open surrounding intimacy. Husband is super-recovery-man. Boundaries are clear. But last night I found myself back in Child's bedroom hiding out.

I've been avoiding Husband.

My avoidance comes in waves. I linger between "I want to rebuild this marriage" and "I wish he would screw up so we could get divorced". And it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with my husband's actual behavior. As far as I can see, he is doing anything and everything to build and maintain emotional stability and active recovery. It's really a battle that rages inside my own head.

Are his actions really forgivable? Why am I putting effort into this relationship? Shouldn't it just die so we can move forward? But am I just thinking and acting out of fear? Is fear going to hold me back from rebuilding a truly intimate marriage?

This battle won't be able to sustain itself forever.

I think that it's time to seek out professional help for this phase of our relationship. We've had help during crisis times, I've had my own therapy to recover from past trauma not related to Husband, Husband is in daily and weekly recovery and therapy sessions of various sorts, and we've had some marriage counseling to sort through moving back in together. But now it seems time to delve into our actual marriage issues, intimacy issues, communication issues.

But my goodness this is a lot of work. And I have to ask myself sometimes if it's worth it. And I just don't know.