Closet Addict?

Harriet's post got me thinking (and got others thinking as well!) about my journey. How do I feel about twelve-step philosophy?, way of life?, whatever you want to call it.

I have been a grateful member of S-Anon for 2.5 years. In that time, I've made amazing and lifelong friends. I have cried and laughed and raged in those rooms. I don't know if I was codependent or not (Husband and I agree that I don't really fit the mold, but I sort of did in some ways, maybe), and I don't really think it's important for me to figure that out. I'm what people call a "slow stepper". I've worked the steps at a rate of about one a year, because that is truly how long it has taken me to make lasting behavioral changes to admit my powerlessness and believe in a Higher Power that can restore me to sanity.

But what Harriet's post really got me thinking about was the fact that although I am a grateful member of S-Anon, I really gravitate toward the readings for the addict. I relate to the addict pain, the urgent desires to control and distract, the feeling as though I am searching for happiness in all the wrong places. I don't think I'm an addict by any classic definition, but I do think that I was hopelessly searching for happiness in places it will never be found.

For the past few months, I've been reading a new book, my absolute favorite so far. It's called Divine Therapy and Addiction, written by Tom S. and Father Thomas Keating. There is SO much wisdom in this book that I have to read it ever so slowly, meditating on phrases and letting them really sink in  before I can move on to the next page. So, summarizing it here would not do it justice. But, as I'm reading it, I'll probably continue to think and blog about passages from the book.

The recurring idea that has resonated with me the most so far, and the one that might explain why I relate so much to the plight of the addict is this: "We have this pervasive illness called the human condition, and it's very deeply rooted" (Keating, pg. 85). He goes on to describe how we, as humans, are programmed to seek control, affection, esteem and approval, and security from people. But inevitably, someone or something will fail us in meeting those needs at some point or another (because we all have the human condition), and our over-identification with trying to meet those needs through other flawed human beings often leads us to despair.

For me, this idea has meant everything. I most certainly searched and searched for happiness through controlling people, trying to get affection and approval from people, and trying to make my husband give me security. But people will always fail. My Higher Power, on the other hand, can give me everything I need by showing me how to let it go, if I let my Higher Power guide me.