Am I Real?

I wrote a guest post on my cousin's blog. She was interested in having me write a post, sort of a "day in the life" post. If anyone is reading this right now, you are probably chuckling. Because, let's be honest, jaws would drop if I wrote under my real name about what life was really like for me on a daily basis.

We'll let's see...usually my husband isn't at home in the evenings because he's a 12-step meetings. There's a whole lot of talk about sex and recovery and lying and betrayal and sponsees and serenity prayers. Sometimes I get freaked out because I have flashbacks of when he had sex with other people, but then I remember that this wasn't about my worth as a wife. There's awkward therapy dialogue and talk of our Higher Power and LOTS of new ways of interacting with our son to bust through the feelings of shame and worthlessness we brought into our marriage. We want our son to know his worth in this world, to know that it's OK to fail, and to know that unconditional love comes from a loving and merciful God.

Nope, I didn't write any of that. I talked about how before I had my son, I kind of thought I knew everything there was to know about parenting because of my career. And then, after I had my son, I realized that I really didn't know much at all. It was a rather lighthearted post, intended to make fun of myself a little and hopefully let other mothers know that we're all just flying by the seat of our pants here, even the most "trained" person is still going to be flustered as a parent sometimes.

People seemed to like the post. Someone commented that she loved how I was keeping it real. And I'm glad that people liked it. But to me, it felt pretty far from keeping it real. What people don't know is that the only reason that I was able to write a post like that where I admitted that I too struggle as a parent is because I've spent the last two plus years in therapy, I've been treated for depression and anxiety, and I understand now that I receive unconditional love from my Higher Power. But I left all those parts out of my lighthearted post and so to me, it felt a bit fake even though everything I wrote was true.

I'm glad that I can be really real all the way here, on my anonymous blog. Sometimes I just want to shout my real story from the rooftops. Because to me it's a miracle that I could be happier now than I was before I found out that my husband was an adulterous liar. But it's true. I am happier and healthier, and I know for sure that God is working through me. I have come to believe over the last year or so that I do have a loving Higher Power who shows unconditional love and mercy to me even in my brokenness.

Someday, I know that I will share my real story in a more public way. I feel it. I think that when the time is right, I will know.

I'm Different

I attended a 12-step conference last weekend. It was so powerful, and I learned so many new things. In order to reflect on what I've learned, I'm going to write it here in a few posts. See here and here for other posts about the conference.

One of the many blessings of being at the SANON conference last week was that I got to reconnect with many of the wonderful women who helped me survive during the months after D-Day. There were many hugs, long conversations, and plenty of tears.

Toward the end of the second night, when my emotions were raw and my brain was tired, I noticed my first sponsor sitting at a table nearby. And as I thought about our relationship, I became very emotional. It was in a conversation with her over a year ago that I realized that my situation was unacceptable. The words she used and the kindness she showed helped me to realize that I was worth more than how I was being treated by my husband. It was a changing moment for me, to realize that I had the power to stand up against unacceptable behavior and that it was OK for me to express my needs. To say what I mean, and mean what I say. To be firm in my convictions even if I upset Husband.

I knew when I saw her that I needed to thank her. I needed to let her know that her words and her kindness had a profound impact on my life. So after some tears and hugs and many thank yous from me, she said, simply "Eleanor, you look great."

I do look great. And I don't mean physically attractive. I'm sure she didn't mean physically attractive. She meant that I look strong. Standing by my choices and defending my right to live a healthy life. I have by no means conquered all of my demons, far from it. And I absolutely still have too many days where I waste time ruminating about the past and about things over which I have no control.

But I'm different than I was two years ago.

I Don't Have Control

I just returned from a 12-step conference. It was so powerful, and I learned so many new things. In order to reflect on what I've learned, I'm going to write it here in a few posts. Also see this post.

I mean, of course I don't have control, right? That's like, recovery 101. I can't control the addict. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. But I continue to be amazed at the more subtle ways I try to remain in control.

I realized this weekend that forgiveness for me is connected to control. I haven't written much about forgiveness on my blog, and the reason is simply that I hadn't done it. I hadn't forgiven my husband for his infidelity. And I didn't really know why until this weekend. Sure I had heard that forgiveness is healing for the person who was betrayed, forgiveness is really about not letting the past define you, forgiving doesn't mean you have to condone the behavior, and all the other phrases we throw around about forgiveness.

But I believed that if I forgave Husband, he would be tempted to act out again. And for me, there were many things wrong with that thought process.

First, I have absolutely no control over whether or not Husband is unfaithful again. Absolutely no control. And I was stopping myself from forgiving, something that was likely to bring me a lot of freedom from bitterness, because I thought it would make him act out. Second, although this was more of an unconscious rather than a conscious thought, I felt safe in my unforgiving state. I thought that I had some level of power over Husband by not forgiving. Like he would continue to "owe" me.

What really got me thinking about this was actually a comment that had to do with sexual intimacy. Someone asked, "How do I manage the fear I have that if I am sexual with Husband, it will trigger him to act out?" And another person responded simply, "Stop caring. His triggers are not yours to manage."

Somehow, that statement is what clicked for me. I can forgive my husband because I feel forgiveness in my heart. I have absolutely no control over what he does as a consequence of that forgiveness. So on Sunday, I formally forgave my husband. And for me, that means that I will no longer live in the past. I will not continually punish him for his past behavior. I will move forward. It doesn't mean that I condone what he did, that I will forget it, that I will let my boundaries go, or even that our relationship can be restored. It also doesn't necessarily mean that Husband has earned my forgiveness.

It simply means that I choose not to live in bitterness and resentment. I choose joy.

Trusting One Day At A Time

I just returned from a 12-step conference. It was so powerful, and I learned so many new things. In order to reflect on what I've learned, I'm going to write it here in a few posts.

Trust: The firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

How in the world could I ever trust Husband again?

I've thought about this over and over the last two-and-a-half years. He destroyed that trust so many times and continued to lie to my face even when he knew our marriage was hanging by a thread. It is one of the many confusing reasons I stay in a period of stuckness. My stuckness is a feeling that I might want to move forward in the marriage, coupled with an intense fear of being duped again. Sure he's doing all of the recovery things right now, but how do I know he'll continue doing them and not sink back into insanity?

The actions and words of Husband are consistent with someone who is working a strong recovery program. In fact, he is getting his 9-month chip today. But trusting him? That's a big scary thing that I just don't want to do. It's really hard to think about rebuilding a marriage if there is no trust. I thought that this was one of the pillars of a marriage commitment. And I still wholeheartedly believe trust must exist at some level for a marriage to rebuild after betrayal.

This weekend, I may have found an understanding of trust that I can handle. And here it is.

Someone said to me that you only have to trust one day at a time. Or even one moment at a time. Did you notice that the above definition of trust doesn't say anything about trusting for any certain time period? I can trust that my husband is not acting out when he is with me. OK, that works. I can trust him on a day when I know his whereabouts and his actions are consistent with his words. But I have the freedom to continually make that choice. And it doesn't always have to be that I trust him. I may be uncertain about something and decide to not trust him that day. On that day, I can do self-care and be extra conscious of my surroundings. But the next day could be different. And maybe the number of trust days will start to outweigh the non-trust days, but maybe they won't, and that will be important information for me to have either way.

Isn't that such a freeing idea? Maybe others already think about trust this way. But I did not. I thought that if I made a decision to trust him, I had to fully trust him all the days forever and ever. What a daunting and unreasonable expectation if I am trying to live one day at a time and in the present! If I choose to stay in my marriage one day at a time, why can trust not be the same way? It frees me from the overwhelming thoughts about what will happen tomorrow. And the next day. And in 20 years. Much like the addict can work a program one day at a time, I can choose trust one day at a time. And the freedom in knowing that I have choices to make each day is just one of the precious gifts I received this weekend.

Sacred Space and Intimacy

Following D-Day, I felt completely unsafe in almost every environment. Even in my own house, in my own bedroom. The only place I felt safe in the whole world was lying on the floor of Child's bedroom. I would listen to the fan, his sweet sleeping sounds, and feel the soft touch of his hand holding mine. It became a sacred space for me. As long as I was in that room, the world couldn't harm me. I also used it as an escape from Husband. I would lie in there for hours, waiting for the sound of Husband retreating to the bedroom to sleep. Once I was pretty sure he was asleep, I would come out of my sacred space.

I used this tactic even more when I knew that Husband was interested in intimacy of any kind. I would hide out in Child's bedroom and pretend to accidentally fall asleep in there. It was dishonest, what I did. But I wasn't strong enough yet to communicate openly about intimacy.

Now things are different. Communication is more open surrounding intimacy. Husband is super-recovery-man. Boundaries are clear. But last night I found myself back in Child's bedroom hiding out.

I've been avoiding Husband.

My avoidance comes in waves. I linger between "I want to rebuild this marriage" and "I wish he would screw up so we could get divorced". And it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with my husband's actual behavior. As far as I can see, he is doing anything and everything to build and maintain emotional stability and active recovery. It's really a battle that rages inside my own head.

Are his actions really forgivable? Why am I putting effort into this relationship? Shouldn't it just die so we can move forward? But am I just thinking and acting out of fear? Is fear going to hold me back from rebuilding a truly intimate marriage?

This battle won't be able to sustain itself forever.

I think that it's time to seek out professional help for this phase of our relationship. We've had help during crisis times, I've had my own therapy to recover from past trauma not related to Husband, Husband is in daily and weekly recovery and therapy sessions of various sorts, and we've had some marriage counseling to sort through moving back in together. But now it seems time to delve into our actual marriage issues, intimacy issues, communication issues.

But my goodness this is a lot of work. And I have to ask myself sometimes if it's worth it. And I just don't know.