I'm Different

I attended a 12-step conference last weekend. It was so powerful, and I learned so many new things. In order to reflect on what I've learned, I'm going to write it here in a few posts. See here and here for other posts about the conference.

One of the many blessings of being at the SANON conference last week was that I got to reconnect with many of the wonderful women who helped me survive during the months after D-Day. There were many hugs, long conversations, and plenty of tears.

Toward the end of the second night, when my emotions were raw and my brain was tired, I noticed my first sponsor sitting at a table nearby. And as I thought about our relationship, I became very emotional. It was in a conversation with her over a year ago that I realized that my situation was unacceptable. The words she used and the kindness she showed helped me to realize that I was worth more than how I was being treated by my husband. It was a changing moment for me, to realize that I had the power to stand up against unacceptable behavior and that it was OK for me to express my needs. To say what I mean, and mean what I say. To be firm in my convictions even if I upset Husband.

I knew when I saw her that I needed to thank her. I needed to let her know that her words and her kindness had a profound impact on my life. So after some tears and hugs and many thank yous from me, she said, simply "Eleanor, you look great."

I do look great. And I don't mean physically attractive. I'm sure she didn't mean physically attractive. She meant that I look strong. Standing by my choices and defending my right to live a healthy life. I have by no means conquered all of my demons, far from it. And I absolutely still have too many days where I waste time ruminating about the past and about things over which I have no control.

But I'm different than I was two years ago.