I Don't Have Control

I just returned from a 12-step conference. It was so powerful, and I learned so many new things. In order to reflect on what I've learned, I'm going to write it here in a few posts. Also see this post.

I mean, of course I don't have control, right? That's like, recovery 101. I can't control the addict. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. But I continue to be amazed at the more subtle ways I try to remain in control.

I realized this weekend that forgiveness for me is connected to control. I haven't written much about forgiveness on my blog, and the reason is simply that I hadn't done it. I hadn't forgiven my husband for his infidelity. And I didn't really know why until this weekend. Sure I had heard that forgiveness is healing for the person who was betrayed, forgiveness is really about not letting the past define you, forgiving doesn't mean you have to condone the behavior, and all the other phrases we throw around about forgiveness.

But I believed that if I forgave Husband, he would be tempted to act out again. And for me, there were many things wrong with that thought process.

First, I have absolutely no control over whether or not Husband is unfaithful again. Absolutely no control. And I was stopping myself from forgiving, something that was likely to bring me a lot of freedom from bitterness, because I thought it would make him act out. Second, although this was more of an unconscious rather than a conscious thought, I felt safe in my unforgiving state. I thought that I had some level of power over Husband by not forgiving. Like he would continue to "owe" me.

What really got me thinking about this was actually a comment that had to do with sexual intimacy. Someone asked, "How do I manage the fear I have that if I am sexual with Husband, it will trigger him to act out?" And another person responded simply, "Stop caring. His triggers are not yours to manage."

Somehow, that statement is what clicked for me. I can forgive my husband because I feel forgiveness in my heart. I have absolutely no control over what he does as a consequence of that forgiveness. So on Sunday, I formally forgave my husband. And for me, that means that I will no longer live in the past. I will not continually punish him for his past behavior. I will move forward. It doesn't mean that I condone what he did, that I will forget it, that I will let my boundaries go, or even that our relationship can be restored. It also doesn't necessarily mean that Husband has earned my forgiveness.

It simply means that I choose not to live in bitterness and resentment. I choose joy.