When Husband entered real recovery, he made the decision to no longer drink alcohol. It was a trigger for him. He said that he had never met an SA in recovery who was able to drink occasionally without then turning into an alcoholic. I never worried that he had a drinking problem. We would have a glass of wine or beer every now and then, but neither of us were regular drinkers. Nonetheless, alcoholism runs in both of our families, so it was a very good decision for a person who is already fighting one addiction. I was very proud of him for making that decision to prevent having to fight a second addiction.
While visiting with in-laws and family this weekend, Husband mentioned to his family that he doesn't drink alcohol anymore. Unfortunately, family didn't react with support. Here's some of what we heard over the course of the weekend. "Why in the world would you give up beer?" "My wife won't have sex with me, and you won't drink with me. Everyone around me is becoming lame." "What is wrong with you?"
Ugh. That's the "change back" phenomenon in full force.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
My Dirty Little Secret
Ever since I've known Husband, I have had an unhealthy way of thinking about our relationship. I only became aware of this thought pattern after I found out that he was an addict.
Here it is...my dirty little secret.
Me > Husband
There, I said it. Truly, I am embarrassed to admit that the above equation describes some of the ways in which I thought about our relationship. I was always the one saying the "right" things, doing the "right" things, being the exact person society wanted me to be. I sought external accomplishments, and I desperately sought praise and approval from others. Husband, on the other hand, always marched to the beat of his own drum. Sometimes he didn't fit in socially, and he didn't impress with his achievements. I was the overfunctioner, he the underfunctioner.
And I believed that I was doing it right, and he was doing it wrong. I was self-righteous, prideful, and cold. I thought I was better than my husband. And why? Because I wore the right clothes? I had the right career? I did what everyone expected of me?
The truth is that despite all of his troubles, Husband has always generally been a bit nicer than me. A little less cold, more sensitive, and more willing to do good deeds for others. But, for so long, I stood on my self-serving pedestal, almost apologizing to others for my husband and his non-conformity. I feel sad that I lived that way. I feel sad for how it must have made Husband feel. And, I still struggle with it. I fail a lot, and I ask for forgiveness a lot.
This weekend at church the homily was about sin. That sin is sin. We all sin. In God's eyes, no one is loved more or less. I am trying to be a more loving and less judgmental person. Because I sin and Husband sins, and thankfully we both have the opportunity to feel God's grace and to receive second chances.
Here it is...my dirty little secret.
Me > Husband
There, I said it. Truly, I am embarrassed to admit that the above equation describes some of the ways in which I thought about our relationship. I was always the one saying the "right" things, doing the "right" things, being the exact person society wanted me to be. I sought external accomplishments, and I desperately sought praise and approval from others. Husband, on the other hand, always marched to the beat of his own drum. Sometimes he didn't fit in socially, and he didn't impress with his achievements. I was the overfunctioner, he the underfunctioner.
And I believed that I was doing it right, and he was doing it wrong. I was self-righteous, prideful, and cold. I thought I was better than my husband. And why? Because I wore the right clothes? I had the right career? I did what everyone expected of me?
The truth is that despite all of his troubles, Husband has always generally been a bit nicer than me. A little less cold, more sensitive, and more willing to do good deeds for others. But, for so long, I stood on my self-serving pedestal, almost apologizing to others for my husband and his non-conformity. I feel sad that I lived that way. I feel sad for how it must have made Husband feel. And, I still struggle with it. I fail a lot, and I ask for forgiveness a lot.
This weekend at church the homily was about sin. That sin is sin. We all sin. In God's eyes, no one is loved more or less. I am trying to be a more loving and less judgmental person. Because I sin and Husband sins, and thankfully we both have the opportunity to feel God's grace and to receive second chances.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
"Triggers" (otherwise known as the in-laws)
My family knows about Husband's addiction, at least in general terms. I was so desperately unstable in the days following D-Day that my dad had to make the trip to where I live (I don't live close to family) to make some decisions for me and take care of Child. And he needed to know my situation to some extent to help me.
Husband's family does not know about his addiction. I don't know whether this is good or bad, but the family is so enmeshed generally, that my guess is that them knowing would be bad. They know that we are separated and that Husband goes to counseling. But other than that, they are in the dark.
So what happens when they visit is that I feel triggered. Unhealthy family patterns. Enmeshment. Intrusiveness into our lives.
And they visit. A lot. Too much, maybe.
They decided on an impromptu trip today. I don't have the guts to set appropriate boundaries with them. So they are sitting in my living room right now while I type. Processing the triggers. Thinking about the boundaries that need to be set. Thinking about the glass of wine I will drink at dinner with them, and the chocolate I will eat for dessert.
Progress, not perfection.
Husband's family does not know about his addiction. I don't know whether this is good or bad, but the family is so enmeshed generally, that my guess is that them knowing would be bad. They know that we are separated and that Husband goes to counseling. But other than that, they are in the dark.
So what happens when they visit is that I feel triggered. Unhealthy family patterns. Enmeshment. Intrusiveness into our lives.
And they visit. A lot. Too much, maybe.
They decided on an impromptu trip today. I don't have the guts to set appropriate boundaries with them. So they are sitting in my living room right now while I type. Processing the triggers. Thinking about the boundaries that need to be set. Thinking about the glass of wine I will drink at dinner with them, and the chocolate I will eat for dessert.
Progress, not perfection.
Monday, June 24, 2013
On Letting Go
"Let me sum up, then, the foundational ways that I believe Jesus and the Twelve Steps of A.A. are saying the same thing but with different vocabulary:
We suffer to get well.
We surrender to win.
We die to live.
We give it away to keep it."
From Breathing Under Water by Richard Rohr
This week, Husband and I are trying to work out a possible plan for moving back in with each other in the coming months. If all continues to go well. And to do so, we would like to choose a new place to live. A new beginning. But we are waiting on some details before we move forward. And we were supposed to hear today about some of those details, but we did not. So I'm fighting with everything in me to surrender to something that is out of my control.
Maybe I'll just call to check and see if they need more information. Maybe her email got lost in my inbox. Maybe I should just check it out to be sure. Maybe I just really want to control this situation instead of surrender it to God.
It is only in recovery that I have come to understand the power of letting go. The power of surrendering the tight grip I had on every aspect of my life. Because I don't have the answers. I thought I had all the answers to life, that I didn't need God, and that I was completely self-sufficient.
And then I found out that Husband was an addict. My whole world spun out of my control. I learned that I do not have all the answers, I desperately need God in my life, and I need support. I don't know what the future holds, and I have to trust that I am right where I should be.
So tonight, I surrender. I let go. I trust in my Higher Power.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Words
Husband and I finished up the 8-week process of disclosure and responses with his therapist. It was one of the most healing activities I could have done, because it allowed me to voice the ways in which his addiction has damaged my life and the life of our family. But it also allowed me to voice my strength and resilience and to let him know that his addiction will not ruin my life.
But there's something I'm still struggling with a lot. Forgiveness. I have not forgiven him yet. And many people have said that forgiveness is about me, letting go of the pain, moving forward, etc. But, I haven't been able to fully do that yet. It's not because of the pain from the affairs, betrayals, secrecy, or lies. Those I can clearly link to the addiction and can forgive those behaviors of a sick man.
It's the words he used to mistreat me in the year after discovering his addiction. Those words. Those words he spoke to the woman who was standing by him through immense betrayal. The woman who offered him support when he didn't deserve it. Stinging, ugly words are etched in my brain. "You're clueless. You have no idea how to be a good wife. You just need to get over it." Threatening me with promises that he will act out if I don't give him sex.
The phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." NOT. TRUE. Words are so powerful. Words cannot be taken back. Even if a person apologizes, the words were still said. And remembered. I don't know how to get past the words. True, he had never used hurtful words before I found out about his addiction, and he has not used them since entering recovery. In fact, I am still so shocked at their occurrence because my husband is such a gentle man.
But the words are still there.
***Update
After writing this post, I shared some of these thoughts with Husband. Husband responded by thoughtfully listening to me, offering several apologies, and accepting responsibility for his actions. In his words, he was "delusional" when he was not in recovery.
And to that I say, painful words from an addict suck. But honesty and remorse from a recovering addict make the painful words suck less.
But there's something I'm still struggling with a lot. Forgiveness. I have not forgiven him yet. And many people have said that forgiveness is about me, letting go of the pain, moving forward, etc. But, I haven't been able to fully do that yet. It's not because of the pain from the affairs, betrayals, secrecy, or lies. Those I can clearly link to the addiction and can forgive those behaviors of a sick man.
It's the words he used to mistreat me in the year after discovering his addiction. Those words. Those words he spoke to the woman who was standing by him through immense betrayal. The woman who offered him support when he didn't deserve it. Stinging, ugly words are etched in my brain. "You're clueless. You have no idea how to be a good wife. You just need to get over it." Threatening me with promises that he will act out if I don't give him sex.
The phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." NOT. TRUE. Words are so powerful. Words cannot be taken back. Even if a person apologizes, the words were still said. And remembered. I don't know how to get past the words. True, he had never used hurtful words before I found out about his addiction, and he has not used them since entering recovery. In fact, I am still so shocked at their occurrence because my husband is such a gentle man.
But the words are still there.
***Update
After writing this post, I shared some of these thoughts with Husband. Husband responded by thoughtfully listening to me, offering several apologies, and accepting responsibility for his actions. In his words, he was "delusional" when he was not in recovery.
And to that I say, painful words from an addict suck. But honesty and remorse from a recovering addict make the painful words suck less.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Imposter Syndrome
I just returned from a glorious vacation with a few good friends and Child. I had not gone on a vacation since my honeymoon, and someone offered me a free weeklong stay at a cabin in the woods. To say going back to work today after a trip like this was difficult is an understatement.
On the trip back home, my friends and I listened to some podcasts, one of which was about a syndrome called Capgras Syndrome. It is a rare mental disorder, usually caused by traumatic brain injury, in which the person believes that a person or people close to her are imposters. In other words, it looks like her husband, talks like her husband, and dresses like her husband, but she believes that it is not actually her husband, but an imposter. The hosts of the podcasts described how these people have a disconnect between their physical memory of this person and their emotional memory. In other words, they see the person and recognize who it is, but because they do not feel the emotional memories tied up with this person, they think it is not actually the person.
As I listened to the podcast, I had a lightbulb moment. I don't have a traumatic brain injury, and I certainly don't have Capgras syndrome, but this is sort of what it feels like to be married to a sex addict, especially after D-Day. I remember in the early days after discovering Husband's secret life, I would have entire conversations with him in which I would forget what I had just discovered. We would carry on like we always did, sometimes even joking around, and then there would be a moment, a painful moment, where I would realize that the person I thought I knew is not actually the person with whom I am having a conversation. He felt like an imposter, trying to convince me that he was my loving husband, when in fact he was an adulterous liar.
I've since become more well acquainted with this new version of Husband that I now know to be the real version. But there are still moments where I question whether I am talking to the real Husband, or if he is just an imposter.
On the trip back home, my friends and I listened to some podcasts, one of which was about a syndrome called Capgras Syndrome. It is a rare mental disorder, usually caused by traumatic brain injury, in which the person believes that a person or people close to her are imposters. In other words, it looks like her husband, talks like her husband, and dresses like her husband, but she believes that it is not actually her husband, but an imposter. The hosts of the podcasts described how these people have a disconnect between their physical memory of this person and their emotional memory. In other words, they see the person and recognize who it is, but because they do not feel the emotional memories tied up with this person, they think it is not actually the person.
As I listened to the podcast, I had a lightbulb moment. I don't have a traumatic brain injury, and I certainly don't have Capgras syndrome, but this is sort of what it feels like to be married to a sex addict, especially after D-Day. I remember in the early days after discovering Husband's secret life, I would have entire conversations with him in which I would forget what I had just discovered. We would carry on like we always did, sometimes even joking around, and then there would be a moment, a painful moment, where I would realize that the person I thought I knew is not actually the person with whom I am having a conversation. He felt like an imposter, trying to convince me that he was my loving husband, when in fact he was an adulterous liar.
I've since become more well acquainted with this new version of Husband that I now know to be the real version. But there are still moments where I question whether I am talking to the real Husband, or if he is just an imposter.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Love Is In The Air
Today, Husband did something to show his undying love for me. It was the most romantic thing he's ever done. He had me swooning over him. I even wanted to be physically close to him for the first time in years. I felt like a teenager crushing on her first boyfriend.
What is this miraculous deed Husband performed that has me as giddy as a school girl?
He steam cleaned all of the carpets in my home while I was at work.
Husband used to do things around the house, but only because he expected something in return. If he did the dishes, he wanted sex. If he folded laundry, he wanted sex. If he took out the trash, he wanted sex. But today was different. First of all, he doesn't even live in my home and still came over to clean my carpets. Second, he could care less about how clean the carpets are, but he knows that I hate all the spots on the carpet. Third, he did this even though he knows that there is no chance he will be rewarded with sex.
I am really tempted to start writing I Heart Husband all over my journal.
What is this miraculous deed Husband performed that has me as giddy as a school girl?
He steam cleaned all of the carpets in my home while I was at work.
Husband used to do things around the house, but only because he expected something in return. If he did the dishes, he wanted sex. If he folded laundry, he wanted sex. If he took out the trash, he wanted sex. But today was different. First of all, he doesn't even live in my home and still came over to clean my carpets. Second, he could care less about how clean the carpets are, but he knows that I hate all the spots on the carpet. Third, he did this even though he knows that there is no chance he will be rewarded with sex.
I am really tempted to start writing I Heart Husband all over my journal.
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