Husband and I finished up the 8-week process of disclosure and responses with his therapist. It was one of the most healing activities I could have done, because it allowed me to voice the ways in which his addiction has damaged my life and the life of our family. But it also allowed me to voice my strength and resilience and to let him know that his addiction will not ruin my life.
But there's something I'm still struggling with a lot. Forgiveness. I have not forgiven him yet. And many people have said that forgiveness is about me, letting go of the pain, moving forward, etc. But, I haven't been able to fully do that yet. It's not because of the pain from the affairs, betrayals, secrecy, or lies. Those I can clearly link to the addiction and can forgive those behaviors of a sick man.
It's the words he used to mistreat me in the year after discovering his addiction. Those words. Those words he spoke to the woman who was standing by him through immense betrayal. The woman who offered him support when he didn't deserve it. Stinging, ugly words are etched in my brain. "You're clueless. You have no idea how to be a good wife. You just need to get over it." Threatening me with promises that he will act out if I don't give him sex.
The phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." NOT. TRUE. Words are so powerful. Words cannot be taken back. Even if a person apologizes, the words were still said. And remembered. I don't know how to get past the words. True, he had never used hurtful words before I found out about his addiction, and he has not used them since entering recovery. In fact, I am still so shocked at their occurrence because my husband is such a gentle man.
But the words are still there.
***Update
After writing this post, I shared some of these thoughts with Husband. Husband responded by thoughtfully listening to me, offering several apologies, and accepting responsibility for his actions. In his words, he was "delusional" when he was not in recovery.
And to that I say, painful words from an addict suck. But honesty and remorse from a recovering addict make the painful words suck less.
I am new to your blog. I love love your update. When we try to engage with someone under the influence of drugs or alcohol we readily SEE their words as false as it is often obvious they are under the influence. Delusional is a great word. Blaming, justifying and denying. All three are extremely painful places to experience when an addict is not in recovery. Your husband's ability to acknowledge AND apologize is big. Big sign he may be leaning into the truth. Warmest regards.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for reading. I was happy to hear him call it delusional as well, because that's how I felt about it. I do think he is leaning into the truth, ever so slowly. I am cautiously allowing him a little bit more space in my life.
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