My Dirty Little Secret

Ever since I've known Husband, I have had an unhealthy way of thinking about our relationship. I only became aware of this thought pattern after I found out that he was an addict.

Here it is...my dirty little secret.

Me > Husband

There, I said it. Truly, I am embarrassed to admit that the above equation describes some of the ways in which I thought about our relationship. I was always the one saying the "right" things, doing the "right" things, being the exact person society wanted me to be. I sought external accomplishments, and I desperately sought praise and approval from others. Husband, on the other hand, always marched to the beat of his own drum. Sometimes he didn't fit in socially, and he didn't impress with his achievements. I was the overfunctioner, he the underfunctioner.

And I believed that I was doing it right, and he was doing it wrong. I was self-righteous, prideful, and cold. I thought I was better than my husband. And why? Because I wore the right clothes? I had the right career? I did what everyone expected of me?

The truth is that despite all of his troubles, Husband has always generally been a bit nicer than me. A little less cold, more sensitive, and more willing to do good deeds for others. But, for so long, I stood on my self-serving pedestal, almost apologizing to others for my husband and his non-conformity. I feel sad that I lived that way. I feel sad for how it must have made Husband feel. And, I still struggle with it. I fail a lot, and I ask for forgiveness a lot.

This weekend at church the homily was about sin. That sin is sin. We all sin. In God's eyes, no one is loved more or less. I am trying to be a more loving and less judgmental person. Because I sin and Husband sins, and thankfully we both have the opportunity to feel God's grace and to receive second chances.