I should be sleeping by now. The minutes on the clock tell me that it's past midnight. Where did my rock star sleeping skills go? I used to nap every weekend and get nine hours of sleep each night.
No problem.
I know exactly when I had my first real bout of insomnia. It was two days after D-Day. I stayed up for almost three days with only a few hours of sleep before my body finally gave in.
Is it the nightmares, or better yet, the fear of nightmares that keeps my eyes open? Sometimes. I had nightmares before D-Day. It's always been a thing for me. But now they are more vivid. More jarring.
Is it fear or anxiety? Maybe. I still have fears and anxiety, but I can't remember a time in my adult life when I have felt as much peace as I do lately.
Is it trauma residue that needs to be explored? Possibly. I think that for me, there will always be healing and growing work to do.
Medication helps sometimes. I've tried most sleeping concoctions out there. I don't drink caffeine in the evening, I have a comfortably cool bedroom, I have a fan to drown out noise, I listen to relaxing music, take a bubble bath, drink hot (decaffienated) tea. I thank God for the gift of serenity and pray that God will show me what it is that I need to discover through this particular challenge. I ask for the gift of nightmare-free sleep.
And then I lie down in bed and watch the minutes.
My most intense emotions come out in my dreams. sometimes when I'm too stressed to realize I'm stressed, my realization comes from a dream that is riddled with stress and anxiety. Sometimes the theme is related to the stress and sometimes its just chaos and insanity riddled with anxiety. Either way, my dreams force me to stop and pay attention. They've taught me to stop and pay attention. I know it doesn't work that way for everyone though.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, insomnia sucks and seems to be a common WoPA trait. Sorry my friend.
Dreams and insomnia do that for me too. They tell me to be more aware. I find it soo helpful... When I figure out what they signal. I find it sooo annoying... When I haven't yet figured out the message!
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