The Elephant in the Room

I grew up in a Catholic community. Most families had many children. It's just what Catholics do, we welcome children as part of our marriage covenant. I think that this is a beautiful thing to see so many wonderfully loving, large families. I have many siblings myself, and they are certainly my best friends now that we are all adults.

I only have one child, a child who is well past the age where most good Catholic families would have had at least one more child by now. And people are not afraid to ask me why I do not have more than one child. "Hey, isn't it time you two give Child a sibling?" "Well, I'm sure you'll expand your family soon." "I'm just waiting for the call from you to tell me you are expecting again. I'm sure your parents want more grandchildren." I usually end up saying something along the lines of, well you just never know...or some other vague response.

Because the truth is painful. Almost too painful for me to even write about here. The truth is that I always wanted a big family. I want more children. The truth that I do not have more children is especially painful when I open Child's closet and see all of the baby things I still have saved for another child. I think that I am a very good mother. And that I would be a good mother to more children. It hurts that I have not given Child a sibling.

But there are many reasons why I have a strong gut feeling that I am not meant to have more children, at least at this point. The first reason is obvious. Husband is an addict, and I have only had sex with Husband a handful of times in the last two years, so practically speaking, it's not like there's been a lot of opportunity to get pregnant. The next reason is that I had a scary labor and delivery, one that ended in an emergency c-section and allergic reactions and an infant with a high fever and incessant crying. There is some real physical risk to me having another child. And then there is the fact that I am a working mother. I have no other choice. Until recently, Husband has not been able to hold a steady job. I had no choice but to be a working mother if I wanted Child to have food and shelter. And I do everything I can to ensure that we have as much quality time as we can when I'm not at work. But oh, the working mother guilt. I don't know how many nights I have cried myself to sleep over this guilt. Is Child really getting what Child needs from me? Does Child feel neglected? Am I ruining Child by being a working mother? And then there's the risk of addiction in our genes. I would love to adopt, but is anyone going to let an addict and his working wife adopt a child?

My life is so different than I ever imagined it would be. I just started working Step 3 in S-Anon, the step where I fully turn my will and life over to the care of God. But this one will be a hard one to hand over. What if I hand over my life to God and God has determined that I will never have another child? Should I just be grateful for the one I was blessed with already? In my opinion, I lucked out with the most awesome kid on the planet, so I should just be thankful. But what if I let go and God decides that we will be blessed with more children? Can I be as good of a parent to a second child, a third child? Can I really do this all considering all the reasons I just gave for why we do not have a second child? Would that child really be given what he or she needs from us?

I'm guessing that this step will be an incredible challenge for a control freak like me. But I'm so tired of carrying the swirling thoughts (see above!) about things over which I do not have control. It is time to let go.