Today, I'm feeling angry. Angry at addiction. I've read several stories lately of women who are living with and trying to cope with addicts not in recovery. And the addicts are angry, mean, spiteful, resentful, and all of the other characteristics signaling that addiction is rearing its ugly head. And although currently I am not on the receiving end of emotional abuse (because truly that's what we're often dealing with), the pain of the addict's piercing words and actions are still fresh.
I think I've been fearful of honestly writing about some of the most dark days for me because I am afraid that others will judge me for staying married to Husband. Why didn't I cut my losses and run away? I could have, I thought about it. Maybe I'm also afraid that it makes me look weak. Or maybe some will even judge me for not putting in more effort.
I feel that I am ready, though, to write about some of the dark days because first, it helps me process the trauma, and second, people need to know what it's really like. I am not a weak woman. WE are not weak women. But, for me at least, there was a look in Husband's eye when he was getting ready to be mean. A look that was so scary, so void of emotion, that it forced me to make a contingency plan should Husband get physical at any point (which he never did). No wonder I had trouble setting and enforcing boundaries. Anyone living in that kind of fear would find it difficult to stand up to someone that full of rage.
But the truth needs to come out. Out of my soul. Out of secrecy. My therapist had me keep a letter that Husband wrote to me a year ago when he was at his lowest, shortly before I kicked him out of our home. She wanted me to read it over and over to know that it was BULLSHIT. She wanted me to use it to help me understand how crazy addiction can make someone.
So here goes...
***
Eleanor,
I've been distant lately, and I know the exact moment when it started. On the way home from our trip, you mentioned something about how I owe you something because I cheated but that I haven't earned anything from you. This would imply that you expect restitution. You have alluded to it at other times too. If that's what you want...how can you get it other than being obsessive and controlling [minimizing and blaming]?
The way you decided to stop having sex with me was a very bad idea [blaming]. I was really rolling on getting my life together [lies, he was still acting out fully and not going to meetings or therapy]. You cut me down at a very high time for me [blaming]. What was the message supposed to be? That there's not doubt that I am going to be unfaithful? The thought that went through my head was why be sober if it's not going to do any damn good. I'll just be treated like a monster [blaming, trying to induce guilt]. I have a feeling that your therapist put you up to this, and if so, that makes strike two [trying to isolate me from those who were helping me].
You can be my best motivator to be sober, or you can be my addict's best motivator to act out [threats]. We both have problems, and to stop them, we have to work together [blame]. I'm done trying to have a relationship and hold it together. I'm ready to move on and get happy. I don't think that you are capable though. I hope that we can just put the past behind us [minimizing].
I don't think you understand how much I've been hurt by you [blame].
***
I used to be so critical of people who got divorced, because I thought that if they just tried harder, they could make it work. I used to also be critical of women who stayed in abusive relationships, because they should definitely just get the heck out. I will never judge someone's actions in relation to their marriage again, because they may secretly be getting emails like these.
Addiction is so damaging. I fully believe that recovery is possible and that people can change. But today I am angry for all of the women who, like me, are fighting an uphill battle and who may just be pissed off. I'm with you.
I feel that I am ready, though, to write about some of the dark days because first, it helps me process the trauma, and second, people need to know what it's really like. I am not a weak woman. WE are not weak women. But, for me at least, there was a look in Husband's eye when he was getting ready to be mean. A look that was so scary, so void of emotion, that it forced me to make a contingency plan should Husband get physical at any point (which he never did). No wonder I had trouble setting and enforcing boundaries. Anyone living in that kind of fear would find it difficult to stand up to someone that full of rage.
But the truth needs to come out. Out of my soul. Out of secrecy. My therapist had me keep a letter that Husband wrote to me a year ago when he was at his lowest, shortly before I kicked him out of our home. She wanted me to read it over and over to know that it was BULLSHIT. She wanted me to use it to help me understand how crazy addiction can make someone.
So here goes...
***
Eleanor,
I've been distant lately, and I know the exact moment when it started. On the way home from our trip, you mentioned something about how I owe you something because I cheated but that I haven't earned anything from you. This would imply that you expect restitution. You have alluded to it at other times too. If that's what you want...how can you get it other than being obsessive and controlling [minimizing and blaming]?
The way you decided to stop having sex with me was a very bad idea [blaming]. I was really rolling on getting my life together [lies, he was still acting out fully and not going to meetings or therapy]. You cut me down at a very high time for me [blaming]. What was the message supposed to be? That there's not doubt that I am going to be unfaithful? The thought that went through my head was why be sober if it's not going to do any damn good. I'll just be treated like a monster [blaming, trying to induce guilt]. I have a feeling that your therapist put you up to this, and if so, that makes strike two [trying to isolate me from those who were helping me].
You can be my best motivator to be sober, or you can be my addict's best motivator to act out [threats]. We both have problems, and to stop them, we have to work together [blame]. I'm done trying to have a relationship and hold it together. I'm ready to move on and get happy. I don't think that you are capable though. I hope that we can just put the past behind us [minimizing].
I don't think you understand how much I've been hurt by you [blame].
***
I used to be so critical of people who got divorced, because I thought that if they just tried harder, they could make it work. I used to also be critical of women who stayed in abusive relationships, because they should definitely just get the heck out. I will never judge someone's actions in relation to their marriage again, because they may secretly be getting emails like these.
Addiction is so damaging. I fully believe that recovery is possible and that people can change. But today I am angry for all of the women who, like me, are fighting an uphill battle and who may just be pissed off. I'm with you.
Oh. My. Goodness.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this. I have heard my husband say pretty much every single one of those things. It actually gave me chills to read it.
Speaking out is so important. We can learn so much from each other.
Thank you so much for your comment. It makes me feel less alone knowing that I'm not the only one, but of course I wish that neither of us had to go through these experiences!
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