In a Foreign Land

Warning: This post discusses sex. No graphic details here, but I do want to be sensitive to my fellow WoPAs, S-Anons, CoSAs, and everyone else who may be sensitive to the topic.

I'm finding myself in a foreign land. One I've never been in before. In this land, I am finding myself increasingly attracted to Husband. Wanting to be physically intimate with him. Last week, while exploring this new land, I initiated sex. For the first time, like, ever. We completed our therapy-suggested abstinence period a long time ago, and I am feeling much stronger and healthier when it comes to my needs and wants.

We had the most wonderfully intimate moment. But afterwards, Husband was fearful and uncertain. Something I have never seen post-love-making. In the past, as is typical of an SA, he wanted sex all the time and he didn't care about the circumstances. But last week, he was fearful. So we decided to discuss this in our first real marriage therapy session this weekend. He was fearful because in the past, I would have sex with him and then get angry and push him away. Guilty as charged. I did that all the time, but I didn't really realize it until he said it. Lightbulb moment! He suggested that we wait to resume physical intimacy until a month after we move back in together because he thinks that he needs more time to practice emotional intimacy (something he's been working on a lot, and something I need work on too!) without sex being part of the picture. MY SA WANTS TO ABSTAIN FROM SEX TO WORK ON EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. I feel like that needs to be in caps because I'm still shocked at its occurrence.

I have prayed, begged, pleaded with God for Husband to heal. I have imagined moments like these, daydreamed that some day Husband would want to talk about things like emotional intimacy, that he would put some actual cognitive thought into sexual intimacy. When I started this blog, I was 99% sure this would be a story of my journey from separation to divorce from a sex addict. In fact, I actually went so far as to file divorce, I was so sure. Things were so bad. So much denial, criticism, deception. So much so that I had to just let go of the marriage. I let go of our dreams together, let go of the hope. I had to decide to focus solely on my own healing and let life happen for Husband.

I believe that I am witnessing a miracle in my life. A miracle of God's grace and redemption. A miracle of two people not only recovering, but turning into better people. More capable of love. Because it's not just about Husband's recovery. It's about mine too. It's about my ability to give and receive love. My ability to set healthy boundaries and respect myself. My ability to find joy and peace.

And I do not take this for granted. Not one day. I can still hardly believe this miracle. My wish is that this post is not discouraging to those who are still in that ugly place of having a husband not in recovery. That exhausting place of feeling like there is no way out of this mess. Because I know that place. I know it really well. Rather, my wish is that this post gives hope to those in the ugly place that things can get better. Regardless of recovery or divorce, I feel like I now have some tangible proof that things get better with God's grace and mercy and with the 12 steps, however you may choose to work them.

This new land is more beautiful than I ever imagined. It's still full of lots of thorny trees and turbulent waters, but it's right where I'm meant to be.