Today, I remembered that our anniversary is coming up, which brings up a whole slew of conflicting emotions. Last year, we were at the worst point in our relationship. We were not even on speaking terms. I honestly feared that Husband would take Child and run away because he was that angry with me for withholding sex. My very nice parents offered to babysit and book me a night at a nice hotel so that I could do something fun that day. This was one of the kindest things they have ever done for me. So, I bought bubble bath, nail polish, ordered Chinese food for dinner, and headed off to a hotel by myself. I ate dinner, took a bath, painted my nails, and fell asleep easily thanks to my prescription sleeping pills that, at the time, were necessary. I didn't see or talk to my husband on my anniversary.
In some ways, I am feeling better about this year. I am in a much better place. Husband is in a much better place. But we are separated. And we have a big mountain to climb in terms of repairing our relationship. And, when I think about our wedding day, I feel like a fool. I picture him thinking...I can't believe I got away with this. She's going to marry me, and I lie to her constantly. I must be so good at keeping secrets. She's so gullible. I don't actually know what he was thinking on our wedding day. Maybe he was thinking that this is a new day, he will be faithful from now on, or something along those lines. Regardless, I picture myself as a fool on that day.
So, I don't know what to do with our anniversary. I really don't want to celebrate it. But, we are still married. And, maybe we need to celebrate that we made it this long without getting a divorce! But it's not like we are celebrating years of wedded bliss.
How do you feel about your anniversary? Do you celebrate it?
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