Time To Face The Music

I grew up playing the piano, and I continued to play through college. I played every day, hours a day. It was a passion, it was therapeutic, it was everything to me. Growing up, my teacher would have a recital each year where all of her students would play one memorized piece. One year, I forgot my piece. I got about halfway through and completely blanked. It was a piece by Chopin. I was mortified, humiliated, traumatized. Me, the child who wanted to do everything perfectly, had made a mistake in front of a large crowd of people. I'm still surprised to this day that I didn't quit piano after that day. Somehow, by the grace of God, I stuck with it. I became a better player for it. There was no way to overcome it except to just jump back in, keep playing, and do better next time.

I played recitals in college. Recitals were an hour of memorized music that I played on stage in front of an audience. Just me. Up there. For everyone to see and hear and judge. This terrified me considering my past failing, but I learned tactics to deal with the fear. Prayer and preparation were key. I memorized the pieces in several different ways. I memorized the way my hands felt on the keys. I memorized the melody. I memorized what the pages of notes looked like. And the more I prayed and prepared, the more I eased my anxiety.

Tonight I met with Husband's therapist to discuss the upcoming disclosure process. The familiar emotions overcame me on the drive to the therapist's office. My heart raced. I felt a little light-headed. The fear was overwhelming. We had failed in therapy before, last spring. I kept going and Husband quit. With this same therapist. I felt like a failure. I was scared for the process.

But there is no other way to move forward. I have to stick with it, enter the disclosure process, and pray that I have prepared enough to handle what is to come. I have my support group, my therapist, my family, and most importantly, God. I'm prepared.