Disclosure day happened. I'm still alive. Husband is still alive. Husband didn't disclose anything I didn't already know. Thank. Goodness. But I'm feeling a lot of fear tonight. Fear of rejection. Why, on a day when Husband openly shared his most shameful behavior, am I feeling fearful of rejection?
At one point in the session, I felt as though Husband was minimizing the impact his addiction has had on our child by not recognizing that even though he was around all the time, he was so distracted. And I made it known and got very emotional.
But as I left the session, I remembered that I too was struggling immensely around the time Husband was at his worst. And it wasn't all because of him. I now believe that I was battling depression. To be honest, I was not very fun to be around. I didn't have energy for playing with our child. I was a bit withdrawn and looked forward to sleeping too much. I was struggling against my own demons at the same time he was, and I wasn't as available for Child as I am now with the help of my Higher Power, intense therapy, social support, and modern medicine.
Discovering Husband's addiction is actually what led me to seek help. But this is so very painful to admit. I'm ashamed of depression. I'm embarrassed. I had a good life, at least better than many truly suffering people in the world. Why didn't I appreciate all I had? Why couldn't I just GET HAPPY? I started to feel shame and fear. Fear of rejection. Fear that maybe I have not been a good wife or mother. I've spent so much time focusing on all of the shitty experiences Husband has put me through because they are more visible, tangible. But I brought into this marriage my own set of issues. And I started to fear that perhaps one day Husband wouldn't want me. I don't even know that I want to be married to him, but the fear of being abandoned by him? It was almost too much to bear.
So I'm sitting with these feelings, not really knowing what to think. I'm confused, which is evident in my writing, deleting, and re-writing of the words in this post over and over.
Anyone else have similar experiences?
One of the greatest blessings of this experience, for me, is that instead of gliding naively through life, I am starting to realize MY dependence on God and Christ. And, like you, I am seeing that it is more than just as a result of my husband's choices, it is also because I, too, am an imperfect, human. The atonement is for me, too. I often FEEL like I should be better, do better on my own, but the truth is, I can't do it on my own. I can't be perfect on my own, no matter how hard I try.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. I used to try and try to just do everything right, on my own, all the time. I hoped that God would love me IF I was perfect, when I really just needed to know what it means to trust in God. I recently shared in my group meeting that it was plain exhausting living life the way I was living. What a freeing feeling it is to experience God's mercy. But it continues to be a daily battle, fighting that inner urge to control.
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