I wasn't sure if I should get involved in the topic of religion on my blog, but I'm interested in and confused by it, it's part of my story of the wife of a sex addict, and I would love to hear other perspectives.
I grew up Catholic, and by that I mean that I grew up in a very conservative, very practicing Catholic family. I have spent countless hours and days trying to understand Catholicism, trying to follow the rules, and trying to be a good Catholic. But when my world fell apart after the discovery of Husband's sex addiction, I began a period of serious reflection. I felt like I no longer knew anything for sure, and many of my questions had to do with religion.
Catholicism teaches that sex must be life-affirming. In other words, no masturbation, no condoms, no birth control, and no sex before marriage or outside of marriage. And porn would be in the no category as well. But what about the situation where the Husband is a sex addict? Yes, it's sinning according to the Church, but what about the wife? Am I supposed to have life-affirming sex with someone without a condom when I will never know for sure if it is safe to do so? Or am I supposed to abstain forever? What if I don't think that we should bring another child into the picture under our current circumstances, but we are supposed to have life-affirming sex, which means that we should be open to more children? Or should I try to get an annulment and divorce because I can't practice my religion 'correctly' with my current spouse?
Right after D-Day, the first thing I did was go to my priest for guidance. Unfortunately, he had no idea how to handle me. I know I'm not the first Catholic wife with a sex addict husband, but he really didn't know what to tell me or how to guide me. I've had terrible difficulty finding any Catholic resources on these issues. I've searched and searched for blogs of Catholic women with a sex addict husband and cannot find any (although maybe I'm not looking in the right place). Most of the advice I've seen on forums is to go to confession, go to Church, and just quit sinning. I don't want it to be this way. I want to be able to go to my Church and find support and healing.
I've actually found the most support and the most honest discussion about God in my S-Anon meetings, and I am truly grateful for those women who have helped me to develop a relationship with a loving and merciful God. I've also been so inspired by the writing of many women who are LDS who either have the support of their Church or advocate for support if they are not getting it. I would love to be a positive voice within the Catholic Church to help provide more support and understanding for people who are hurting from sex addiction.
I can't speak for everyone, but I've certainly talked to many women who have had their faith and spirituality thrown into a tailspin following disclosure.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I wouldn't blame the priest for his lack of understanding, or rather, I wouldn't blame your church for your priest's lack of understanding. While they are men of God, they are just men, with limited experience and qualification.
I'm just about to write my last post about my own crisis of faith, and the jist of it is this- I found God first, and then I started to figure out all the other stuff. I do believe God can and will speak to you. He will help you reconcile your relationship with Him, your sexual practices and your beliefs.
You are a pioneer! Other women (Catholic or otherwise) will flock to you and appreciate you for putting yourself out there. The world is so tolerant of porn, I think the LDS women's blogs are so prevalent because the LDS church is very clear and outspoken about porn and masturbation. Just like many Catholics use birth control, there are probably many Catholics who are tolerating sexual addiction because of societal pressure to do so.
Anyway, I've really babbled here.
Hang in there, I already love and admire you!
Thank you so much for your encouragement. I'm starting to realize that developing a relationship, a real relationship, with God is more important than religious dogma. And you are right that priests are often as in the dark as we were when we first discovered this whole world of sex addiction. I appreciate you putting that into perspective for me.
ReplyDelete