Not So Rough Around The Edges

There was a time when I thought I was damaged for good because of Husband's addiction. I was doomed to be a cold-hearted, controlling woman, with no room for love or happiness. But this week I have the strangest feeling. I feel my heart softening. It's hard to explain, really, how I could go from once filing for divorce to feeling open to compassion for Husband.

The changes I have seen in Husband since separating from him are nothing short of miraculous. He has moved forward in his career, he manages his money responsibly, he communicates his feelings, he is present with our Child, and he has humility. Most importantly, he is sober and honest and trusts in a Higher Power. Now, it's not all roses and rainbows here. We have such a long, hard road ahead. But I feel differently about him today, and most especially after he was willing to share all of his most shameful actions with me, knowing full well that this could be the end of our marriage. What courage it must have taken to be so vulnerable with the person he has hurt the most. 

I'm now writing what is called a "damage" letter to Husband as part of his therapy. I am supposed to list all of the ways in which Husband's addiction has hurt me. This is then followed by my boundary list I would have in place were we to eventually decide to live together under one roof. These were both relatively easy to write. Therapist also suggested that if there's anything else I'd like to write in the letter, it should be after the boundaries. And I found that I think I do have something else I'd like to write in the letter. Ironic as it may seem, there are blessings that have come from his addiction. 

****From the Damage Letter:

Your addiction has affected me in many negative ways, but because I’ve gone through this experience, I am also a different person today. The following are the ways in which I have changed…

I have rediscovered my ability to make and keep close friends. I have developed a healthy and supportive social support network. I have worked through depression and overcome past traumas in therapy. I have gained more appreciation for my family. I am more honest about my shortcomings. I spend more quality time with Child. I am a better and more present mother. I created a healthy work/life balance. I took risks and learned how to cook and learned about meditation. I started to exercise again and learned the importance of self-care. I have more confidence in myself and my ability to make good decisions. I have developed a new relationship with a loving and merciful Higher Power who has taught me what grace means. I trust my gut instinct, I have a voice, and I have peace and serenity in my life.

****

Today I don't feel so rough around the edges.

On The Other Side

Disclosure day happened. I'm still alive. Husband is still alive. Husband didn't disclose anything I didn't already know. Thank. Goodness. But I'm feeling a lot of fear tonight. Fear of rejection. Why, on a day when Husband openly shared his most shameful behavior, am I feeling fearful of rejection?

At one point in the session, I felt as though Husband was minimizing the impact his addiction has had on our child by not recognizing that even though he was around all the time, he was so distracted. And I made it known and got very emotional.

But as I left the session, I remembered that I too was struggling immensely around the time Husband was at his worst. And it wasn't all because of him. I now believe that I was battling depression. To be honest, I was not very fun to be around. I didn't have energy for playing with our child. I was a bit withdrawn and looked forward to sleeping too much. I was struggling against my own demons at the same time he was, and I wasn't as available for Child as I am now with the help of my Higher Power, intense therapy, social support, and modern medicine.

Discovering Husband's addiction is actually what led me to seek help. But this is so very painful to admit. I'm ashamed of depression. I'm embarrassed. I had a good life, at least better than many truly suffering people in the world. Why didn't I appreciate all I had? Why couldn't I just GET HAPPY? I started to feel shame and fear. Fear of rejection. Fear that maybe I have not been a good wife or mother. I've spent so much time focusing on all of the shitty experiences Husband has put me through because they are more visible, tangible. But I brought into this marriage my own set of issues. And I started to fear that perhaps one day Husband wouldn't want me. I don't even know that I want to be married to him, but the fear of being abandoned by him? It was almost too much to bear.

So I'm sitting with these feelings, not really knowing what to think. I'm confused, which is evident in my writing, deleting, and re-writing of the words in this post over and over.

Anyone else have similar experiences?

Lost: Serenity and Self-Care

Husband and I are going to the therapist this weekend for the official disclosure day. And I've pretty much been a mess since scheduling this appointment. So much so that I've thought of just canceling it, telling Husband that I'm not ready, even though it's been two years since D-Day (as in discovery, not disclosure day). Prior to a few weeks ago, I made sure I did some self-care every day. Most days it was going running, but other days it was soaking in a bubble bath. I felt healthy and strong. I was working on finishing Step 2, finally, and looking forward to delving into Step 3. I was trying new recipes and cooking healthy meals. I was on my game.

This week I'm sick, like fever sore throat yuckiness sick. I haven't exercised in two weeks, and I just brought home fast food for dinner. Fast. Food. The stuff that has no nutritional value except to stuff my emotions. I've canceled meetings at work because I don't have the energy to discuss and debate. My pants are tight from eating too much chocolate, although it's hard to find them in the week's worth of laundry that sits unfolded on my floor.

I just want to snap out of it, and my head is full of really negative self-talk, which just makes the problem worse. I know it is because I am full of emotion about disclosure day, and I wish that I could do all of the things that I'm supposed to do when I'm anxious. But instead, I've resorted to the easier tactics...fast food, TV, and laziness.

On days like this, I understand in some ways why Husband deals with his problems in such destructive ways. The healthy ways are SO HARD.

And today I'm just tired. And overwhelmed. And nervous. And probably a little sad and mad thrown in there too.

A God Moment

I struggled immensely with Step 2 in S-Anon, the step where we come to believe that a Higher Power can restore us to sanity. I sat for months looking at the questions, unable to work the step. But there was a distinct moment in the last year when I realized that God was calling out to me...

I quit going to Church for a long time. I was so angry, and I felt like an outcast at Church. Here I was sitting with all of these happy couples with lots of children, and I was sitting feet away from Husband, a visible tension between us. I've also had trouble with male authority, and interacting with men in general, so listening to a man, however holy, preach was a trigger for me. So I quit going. 

One Sunday morning after not attending Church for about a year, Husband asked me if I'd like to go to Church, and for some reason I said OK. I don't know why, but I thought maybe it was time I give it another shot. There was a new priest speaking, one I hadn't heard before. He started his homily by reading from a book on spirituality and the 12 steps. Wait, did anyone else hear that? I thought as I looked around. Did a priest really just mention something addiction related in Church? He continued to talk about addiction, and his struggles with it, and how free it feels to be in recovery. The true freedom that comes from trusting fully in God and admitting we can't overcome this alone. 

I sat dumbfounded in Church. I had never once heard a priest talk about addiction at the pulpit. It was so real, so honest. It felt like God was actually talking just to me and Husband through this priest's homily. I have never felt so connected to the message, and I knew then that this was God calling me back. 

Avoiding the Swirl

When I think about what detachment looks like, I picture a whirlpool at a hotel I went to with my family once when I was about 5 years old. The whirlpool had a very strong current (and has probably been shut down by now for safety reasons), and if you floated in there in an inner tube, you'd swirl around and around and get sucked into the middle. I kept getting sucked in, and my mom had to jump in and grab me out each time. It was best to sit on the edge with my feet in the water.

Addiction and codependency are the whirlpool, sometimes they swirl so forcefully that I have a hard time climbing out and safely sitting on the edge. We are going to be moving later this year, and I have been looking at housing options. I asked Husband for some information so that I could figure out a budget if we were to move back in together. But Husband is stressed out this week, and my questions came at the wrong time for him. He got angry. The swirl got stronger. He didn't answer my phone call on purpose. I texted him. The swirl became more forceful. He thought I was prying into his financial information.

And then I got sucked into the middle of the whirlpool. I was so angry. How dare he get angry at me for looking into us moving back in together! He should be doing nothing but worshipping the ground I walk on at this point! And this upcoming weekend is disclosure day in therapy! He has no right to be angry about anything after all he's put me through! He's the one who put us in this financial bind, and now he wants us to just suffer more!

I could feel that it was getting dangerous, so I got off the phone. I asked God to help me out of the water. I sat with my feet on the edge and realized that Husband's emotions aren't right or wrong. He is entitled to emotions just as I am. But I do not have to engage with him when he is angry. I was quickly becoming resentful and controlling, and I don't like myself when I get that way. I can detach and relax. It feels much better sitting on the edge of the whirlpool. It can get scary in there.

So What's My Story? The Newlyweds

The husband and wife got married in their Church in a beautifully spiritual ceremony. They went on a honeymoon to a tropical location. They had fun, but the wife had a painful feeling towards the end of the trip. What is this, God? she asked. Maybe it's guilt from the fancy honeymoon. Maybe that was the nagging feeling. Or was it the lack of connected sex? It felt empty, but confusing.

The newlyweds also struggled with intimacy. They were following NFP (Natural Family Planning), which is the only family planning method endorsed by the Catholic Church. The husband had a really hard time with this, and the wife used it as an excuse to avoid sex and not deal with her underlying fears surrounding sex.

But the couple had some great moments during that first year. They liked to sit on the porch and play board games late into the night. They went running together, went to movies, and stayed up late talking. They went to Church together. At times, it was so comfortable, and it felt so right.

Flowers Make Me Happy

In a fit of insomnia, I starting playing with templates on Blogger. My blog layout doesn't need to be dark and gloomy even if some aspects of my life are dark and gloomy. Mostly, my life is colorful and serene, and thus, so now are the colors on my blog.

Fear of Dark Places

2011

My hands are shaking. My breath is short. Am I really seeing this? This must just be spam email. No wait, the emails are addressed to Husband. I must have mistakenly opened his account and not mine. There's more, pages and pages more. Shocking words on the screen. Images. Stories. I'm speechless. I'm frozen in this moment. Husband looks over at me and notices my distress. "What's wrong?" he says. "What is all this?" I respond. His shoulders slump, his face turns pale. "I don't know." he says. "Not a good enough answer!" I yell. "I was lonely. I was just searching. It was really only a few times." he says, not knowing that I've already clicked through pages and pages, years of deceit. I call my sister. "I think I'm going to come with Child and stay with you." I say. Husband interjects, "No, I should probably leave." In my state of shock, I forget that wives can kick husbands out of the house for stuff like this. He leaves. I'm left alone. With my child. I don't even cry. I just stare blankly. Time stops and I stand in the middle of my living room. Dumbfounded. My sister calls back, the phone ring startling me back to the present. "I'm coming to stay with you. I don't know what's going on, but I know you and you need me there."

2013

My hands are shaking. I'm feeling light-headed. The therapist asks me what information I don't want to know during disclosure. And what questions I plan to ask. What details are important to me. I don't have answers. Disclosure day is a week away, and I have no idea what I want to know. What I don't want to know. Don't I know everything? He says that I likely know all there is to know, but Husband still needs to come clean. But do I know everything? What if Therapist is preparing me for another D-Day? Is he going to say something that is just too much for me to hear? Something that puts me over the edge? Therapist keeps talking about patterns, recovery, codependence. But I'm frozen in time. Paralyzing fear. Husband has made great progress. Kind gestures, moments of honest communication. But he's a stranger. My brother texts as I leave the session. "I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I would do anything for you, and I am praying for you."

Time To Face The Music

I grew up playing the piano, and I continued to play through college. I played every day, hours a day. It was a passion, it was therapeutic, it was everything to me. Growing up, my teacher would have a recital each year where all of her students would play one memorized piece. One year, I forgot my piece. I got about halfway through and completely blanked. It was a piece by Chopin. I was mortified, humiliated, traumatized. Me, the child who wanted to do everything perfectly, had made a mistake in front of a large crowd of people. I'm still surprised to this day that I didn't quit piano after that day. Somehow, by the grace of God, I stuck with it. I became a better player for it. There was no way to overcome it except to just jump back in, keep playing, and do better next time.

I played recitals in college. Recitals were an hour of memorized music that I played on stage in front of an audience. Just me. Up there. For everyone to see and hear and judge. This terrified me considering my past failing, but I learned tactics to deal with the fear. Prayer and preparation were key. I memorized the pieces in several different ways. I memorized the way my hands felt on the keys. I memorized the melody. I memorized what the pages of notes looked like. And the more I prayed and prepared, the more I eased my anxiety.

Tonight I met with Husband's therapist to discuss the upcoming disclosure process. The familiar emotions overcame me on the drive to the therapist's office. My heart raced. I felt a little light-headed. The fear was overwhelming. We had failed in therapy before, last spring. I kept going and Husband quit. With this same therapist. I felt like a failure. I was scared for the process.

But there is no other way to move forward. I have to stick with it, enter the disclosure process, and pray that I have prepared enough to handle what is to come. I have my support group, my therapist, my family, and most importantly, God. I'm prepared.

On Spirituality and Religion

I wasn't sure if I should get involved in the topic of religion on my blog, but I'm interested in and confused by it, it's part of my story of the wife of a sex addict, and I would love to hear other perspectives.

I grew up Catholic, and by that I mean that I grew up in a very conservative, very practicing Catholic family. I have spent countless hours and days trying to understand Catholicism, trying to follow the rules, and trying to be a good Catholic. But when my world fell apart after the discovery of Husband's sex addiction, I began a period of serious reflection. I felt like I no longer knew anything for sure, and many of my questions had to do with religion.

Catholicism teaches that sex must be life-affirming. In other words, no masturbation, no condoms, no birth control, and no sex before marriage or outside of marriage. And porn would be in the no category as well. But what about the situation where the Husband is a sex addict? Yes, it's sinning according to the Church, but what about the wife? Am I supposed to have life-affirming sex with someone without a condom when I will never know for sure if it is safe to do so? Or am I supposed to abstain forever? What if I don't think that we should bring another child into the picture under our current circumstances, but we are supposed to have life-affirming sex, which means that we should be open to more children? Or should I try to get an annulment and divorce because I can't practice my religion 'correctly' with my current spouse?

Right after D-Day, the first thing I did was go to my priest for guidance. Unfortunately, he had no idea how to handle me. I know I'm not the first Catholic wife with a sex addict husband, but he really didn't know what to tell me or how to guide me. I've had terrible difficulty finding any Catholic resources on these issues. I've searched and searched for blogs of Catholic women with a sex addict husband and cannot find any (although maybe I'm not looking in the right place). Most of the advice I've seen on forums is to go to confession, go to Church, and just quit sinning. I don't want it to be this way. I want to be able to go to my Church and find support and healing.

I've actually found the most support and the most honest discussion about God in my S-Anon meetings, and I am truly grateful for those women who have helped me to develop a relationship with a loving and merciful God. I've also been so inspired by the writing of many women who are LDS who either have the support of their Church or advocate for support if they are not getting it. I would love to be a positive voice within the Catholic Church to help provide more support and understanding for people who are hurting from sex addiction.

How Long Should I Wait For the Marshmallow?

There is a task used by psychologists to test how much self control children have. A child is asked to sit at a table. The adult puts a marshmallow in front of the child and tells the child that if she waits while the adult leaves the room, she can have two marshmallows when the adult comes back. But, if the child does not want to wait, she can eat the marshmallow, but she will only get one. Watching how children react to this scenario is fascinating...and hilarious. The researchers videotape children's behavior when they are left alone in the room with a marshmallow (youtube Mischel marshmallow task). Children try to distract themselves from eating the marshmallow by singing, dancing, and playing games. They talk to themselves, convincing themselves to wait. They touch the marshmallow, pretend to eat it, and sometimes they just take a tiny little bite hoping maybe the adult won't notice when she returns to the room.

My husband's progress in recovery is painfully slow. But if I try to control it, manipulate it, or "fix" it, I will only get one marshmallow. It only provides temporary relief to try to intervene and speed up the process, but it never gets the outcome I desire. If I let go and let God and Husband lead the recovery process, I will hopefully get a bunch of marshmallows in the form of safe and healthy love. But it's so hard to be patient! I try to distract myself. I pray for patience. Sometimes I take a little bite of the marshmallow by saying something to Husband that seems innocent, but is controlling. "Hi Husband. I just wanted to call and say Hi but I know you are probably getting ready to go to your meeting." which is code for "I'm checking up on you testing you to see if you really are attending a meeting like you said."

Today I'm feeling very impatient, but I really want more marshmallows...big fluffy marshmallows...so I wait.

Dreamweaver

There are several theories about why we have dreams. There are those who believe that dreams are simply the brain's way of consolidating memories, and rapid firing neurons end up putting together strings of memories, thoughts, and emotions in a somewhat random way during sleep. Those of the more spiritual type tend to believe that dreams are God's way of telling us something. I've heard countless stories of times in which people have said that God gave them a message in a dream. Of course, there are biblical roots to this concept of dreams as well. I tend to think that both dream theories are right.

I have an appointment this week with Husband's therapist to discuss his upcoming disclosure process. The therapist wants to talk to me about any fears I may have, what I can expect, and how I can prepare. Since scheduling this appointment, I have felt 'off'. I've been a little forgetful, more emotional than usual, and have had a lot of trouble sleeping. Because of nightmares. I have a recurring dream that Husband is cheating on me and lying about it. In the dreams, I panic because I somehow missed the signs again. And in the dreams, he always lies to my face while I have evidence of the cheating. I have another recurring dream in which I cheat on Husband with the boy from my past. In those dreams, I wish I was back with him, and I always choose the boy in the past over the Husband in my dreams.

It's easy for me to see where the dreams represent memories and accompanying thoughts and emotions. I've worked through the trauma of the boy from my past in therapy, and I've discussed the fact that he was very passionate. Sometimes I convince myself that it would have been easier with boy from the past because if he wanted something, if he was happy, or if he was mad, he let me know loud and clear. Husband, on the other hand, is a giant mystery. I also see how the dream about Husband cheating is likely happening more frequently now because we're going to go through the disclosure process. All of those memories about finding out that he is a sex addict are resurfacing.

But I also think that perhaps God is giving me a message through these recurring dreams. I'm not sure exactly what the message is, but I'm trying to be open to hearing it. Perhaps it is a message about how I've let FEAR run my life. Perhaps it's a challenge to work through some of my issues prior to the disclosure process. Perhaps it is a gentle reminder to lean on God during this process. I can't do this alone. And in every dream, I fail to come out of the situation with a solution. Maybe I need to let God be a part of the process.

Where Are My Marriage Books?

The other night I was driving and listening to a woman talk on the the radio about a book she wrote on marriage. While listening to her speak about her strategies for maintaining a healthy marriage, I had a lightbulb moment. Where are my marriage books?

I'm naturally curious and the sort of person who gains new insights by being an avid reader. When I had my child, I bought every book about parenting I could get my hands on. I wanted to know everything I could know about how other mothers and professionals deal with common parenting difficulties. This was hugely helpful to me as I didn't have family nearby to give me words of wisdom. My mom was always a phone call away, but there is something very powerful for me about hearing the stories of many women in many different situations. I also have a huge collection of books on faith and spirituality. Self-help books, books written by religious leaders of different denominations, and books on deep and critical analysis of faith line my bookshelves. When I found out about Husband's addiction, a new section of my bookshelves emerged. Books on sexual betrayal, dealing with addiction, co-dependency, anger, meditation, you name it. This was combined with reading countless blogs of brave women walking this path with me.

I probably have hundreds of books in my house, and not one of them is on having a healthy marriage. I never once, throughout dating my spouse and getting married to him and living with him before I knew he was an addict, did I buy a book on maintaining a healthy marriage. The truth is that my collections of books represent how I invest my time, and unfortunately, I devoted almost no time to understanding what a healthy marriage looks like and how to be a good spouse. This is a sad truth. If I'm honest with myself, I recognize now that my marriage was never a priority. Addiction or not, I prioritized everything above my marriage, because Husband was so easy going. I thought he'd just always be there hanging out, and so I did not invest in my marriage.

Today I am taking a day off work to go to the bookstore.

Going Back In The Trenches

Husband and his therapist have decided to ask me if I am willing to go through a formal disclosure process in which Husband comes clean, and I have a chance to tell him all of the ways in which his addiction has affected me as a woman, wife, and mother. All that peace I was feeling this weekend? Tonight it has been replaced with fear, anger, and probably some other emotions I can't identify.

I want to go through the disclosure process...I think. I definitely wanted to the first year after D-Day, I so desperately wanted him to do anything that resembled recovery. Now that I've let go of the addiction? I'm hesitant to jump back in the trenches with him. My therapist assured me that this would be a healing experience for me, and me agreeing to the process does not mean that I have to make a long-term decision about our marriage.

I'm angry that he didn't do this two years ago when I was begging him, pleading with him to get help. But I'm also glad he is doing it now, because I am in a much better place to process my emotions and be honest about my feelings.

I'm going to be praying for peace and serenity. I got off the roller coaster this year, and I'm going to use all of my recovery tools to stay on solid ground during this process.

I Was Too Busy

One of my character flaws is using busyness as a way to avoid real connection with other people and as a way to avoid my emotions and tough decisions. Regardless of the decisions my Husband has made to damage our relationship, I have to acknowledge that I have damaged the relationship by my busyness. The more Husband sank into his addiction, the more I avoided him with busyness. I was living a life where I barely had time to breathe, let alone deal with emotions, decisions, or relationships. I took my marriage for granted. I can regretfully say that I did not give any effort whatsoever into maintaining a good relationship with Husband. Especially after he started to procrastinate and miss deadlines. Instead of asking him if he wanted to talk, I ignored him. I thought, I'm too busy for his crap. I have enough to deal with, I don't have time to listen to my Husband and all of his woes.

I didn't just do it to my Husband. I wasn't good at maintaining friendships, and I didn't put effort into my relationship with my family. I think I knew on some level that putting effort into relationships would mean vulnerability. Allowing someone to get close enough to me to be able to hurt me was one of my worst fears. I rationalized that if I just kept everyone at a reasonable distance with my busyness, I wouldn't feel pain.

My progress in this area in the last two years has been slow but steady.

For these opportunities for a new way of living and healing, I am grateful for experiencing addiction. I live with more purpose, and I live in the real and present world cherishing time with my child.

So What's My Story? The Hint

The Hint

The girl and the boy were engaged. And because they were both practicing in their faith, they took the advice of their priest and participated in pre-marital counseling. They took it a step further and went to a weekend retreat for engaged couples. They had the blessing of both families. The girl's family thought the boy was a dream come true. He was kind, took care of the girl, and had a good heart.

The boy and the girl didn't live together before marriage. One day, the girl went over to the boy's house and noticed a calendar above his desk that had women in bikinis on it. The girl was surprised and offended. She asked the boy to get rid of the calendar because it was disrespectful to her. He agreed and took it down. She was relieved, but something in the back of her mind held onto that moment. Why was this something that he thought was OK? And what was the point of looking at half-naked women at his desk? She decided to just let it go because he got rid of the calendar. When she went over the next day, he had a new more appropriate calendar hanging. Problem solved.

A week later, the girl went back over to the boy's house. The boy didn't remember that she was coming over. She walked in and saw the calendar with women in bikinis hanging above the desk again. She was livid. NOT because of the calendar (although she probably should have been more livid about that), but because he lied. He told her he got rid of the calendar, and he did not. Why did he go through so much effort and a lie to keep a silly calendar? She gave him the silent treatment. She wanted to yell and scream, but she was afraid of her own anger. By the end of the day, she decided to speak up. "I'm upset because you lied. If you lie about the little things, you could also lie about the big things." She said. He apologized profusely, and he promised to finally take the calendar down. She felt content with the end of the conversation.

What she didn't know was that by the time they were engaged, he had already lied about the big things. He was already an addict.

Just Let Go

I had a great weekend. And that is an honest statement because this is my blog, and I can say what I really think and feel. In the past, if anyone asked, I always responded that I had a great weekend. But most of the time, I did not. I always acted as though everything was just peachy, and I realize now how in denial I was about the state of my marriage.

Today, I feel serenity. I'm finding that the more I let go of the addiction and all that comes with it, the anger, the resentment, and the need to control, the more manageable my life seems. The more open I am to positive experiences. The more I have fun. And, probably most surprising of all, the more I let go of the addiction, the more Husband seems to delve into his recovery. This is really the outcome that has me most amazed. I let go of his addiction the moment I told him he had to move out of our house. I divorced the addiction. And as soon as I quit obsessing over the addiction, he started to care about recovery.

So this weekend was great. We had a family dinner where we laughed and didn't pretend. Every now and then I get glimpses of pure joy, something I haven't experienced since I was a child. I am so thankful for my own child, who reminds me how beautiful life is, even in our circumstances.

Crazy Talk

I was very busy the past few weeks traveling for work. I've learned that traveling is a huge trigger for me. I worry about my child when I travel, I worry about money, I get behind on household chores, I worry about what Husband is doing, and I get lonely and tired and do not take care of myself well. I need a week or so to "recover" from traveling, and during that time, I often engage in crazy talk. It's that tape that plays over and over in my mind telling me that I'm not being a good mother, a good employee, a good daughter, wife, or friend. I berate myself for the messy house, for not being on top of work, for not spending enough time with my child. I feel insecure and want to run to my Husband for support. All of those things I do for self care when not traveling get thrown out the window. Basically, I panic.

But there's a difference between my crazy talk in my mind now and crazy talk of the past. With the benefit of therapy, support groups, and education on addiction and co-dependency, I can recognize that the tapes playing in my head are unjustifiably harsh. The truth is that I am doing the best I can during a busy time. I may not have a clean kitchen, but I still fix healthy dinners for my child. I may be a bit distracted at work, but I still meet the most pressing deadline. I may not be engaging in enough self care, but tomorrow I plan to exercise. I may not have been an attentive enough friend, but I can set up a lunch date to catch up. In reality, I'm doing OK. And I can continue to do OK without Husband, as I continue to develop my relationship with my Higher Power.

For now, I am going to play with my child and enjoy a quiet evening at home. Tomorrow is a new day, and I am alright.