Letting go. Detaching. No more enabling.
It takes a lot of effort. But the payoff is sanity.
Husband doesn't call to say when he's going to be home? I don't care. I'm not planning my evenings around his schedule. If he comes home at an unexpected time and there is no dinner for him, it's not my problem. Husband wants to watch TV instead of talk to me? I don't care. I get more me-time. Husband doesn't want to do things that will rebuild trust? I don't care. It's not my job to help him earn my trust.
But what happens when I finally give up is counterintuitive to me. When I let go, detach, and give up, Husband starts to hang on, attach, and try harder. He's been calling me regularly. That laundry pile? Folded and put away. He says he appreciates me. He wants to spend time with me. He offers to give a back rub without expecting anything in return.
On an intellectual level, I get it. I've been through this cycle before. I am the overfunctioner and enabler, and I always hit a limit. Once I let go and stop functioning for the whole relationship, Husband steps in and works at the marriage.
Emotionally, it's harder to understand. Why does getting to my absolute limit and completely giving up on my marriage result in Husband trying?
I was talking to someone the other day about how once they have shattered our hearts and dreams, their kindness is almost as scary as their mean-ness. Hang in there! Trust your gut.
ReplyDeleteThanks! When there's no trust, I second guess everything.
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