Two Years

We're coming up on the two year anniversary of D-Day. Sometimes it feels like that was such a long time ago. And other times, I remember every detail of that day like it was yesterday.

So much has happened in the last two years.

When I think back to my expectations (those silly things) about what my life would look like two years after D-Day, I realize that my life really doesn't look at all how I expected. I thought, hoped, stupidly expected, whatever you want to call it, that maybe Husband would be finished with his 12 steps, and our marriage would be better than ever. I thought that I would be finished with my 12 steps as well. I thought that the word addiction would be a fading memory, and that we would have moved on to better things. I thought that my personal relationship with God would be strengthened by this trial, and I would remain committed to the Catholic church. Instead, Husband is still formally working through his first step (although he has gone through disclosure with me and Therapist), I am struggling through my third step, and addiction is still very much in the forefront of our daily thoughts and conversations. I struggle to remain open to God's presence in my life. I have lingering anger towards my church. I still question why this had to happen.

I do have a lot to be grateful for over the last two years. Husband is in recovery for sure. I am also in recovery. After the worst summer in the history of summers last year and a 9-ish month separation, we're in a state of reconciliation with one another.

But there remain many unanswered questions about our future. The biggest one being whether or not our marriage can survive. Sure, we get along, we communicate (sort of, kind of, note very well), we have healthy boundaries, but we still very much live as peaceful acquaintances. That's great for stability in our household, I'm just not sure that I'm attracted to Husband anymore in a romantic way. I am proud of him for the work he's done, for changing his life, and for being committed to our family. There are fleeting moments of attraction, but I worry that the damage of addiction can't be fully repaired. And if I'm being completely honest, if it wasn't for Child, we wouldn't still be married.

 I get sad when I think about how my feelings towards Husband have changed as a consequence of addiction. I used to think that Husband was amazing. And those qualities that made me think he was amazing are still there, and I see them more and more every day. But I don't still think that way about Husband. I hope that this changes, and I do believe that I have to continue to make the choice to love and accept if I am going to move forward in the marriage.

Two years...filled with some of the lowest lows, but also filled with change and personal growth. I'm still sad for what I've lost, but I'm not giving up hope for the future.