The Dreams That Haunt Me

Last Week

I'm so tired. I lay my head down on my pillow, and before I know it, I'm out. In a deep sleep. I see a garage sale. It's my garage sale, and my mom is helping me with it. I have finally decided to get rid of all of the baby stuff I have been storing. I decide to let it go since I will not get to have more children. I go inside for a minute. I return to the garage and see a woman walking towards her minivan with my child's infant carseat. "Wait!" I say to my mom, standing beside me. "I wasn't ready to sell that!" My mom replies. "Oh, Eleanor, I didn't know so I went ahead and sold it to that nice woman."

The woman with the carseat turns back towards me. She is one of the women with whom Husband acted out. She gives me a smug, devilish grin. Her eyes, piercing with evil. As she opens the door to her minivan, I see several children, one of whom looks identical to my child. She throws the carseat into her minivan, laughs, and drives away. I scream out at her, but she keeps driving away. With my carseat. With my child. I fall to the grass and sob uncontrollably.

My alarm goes off. Thank goodness. The nightmares are returning.

Last Night

I have a good night. I have a real conversation with Husband, and then we part ways to go to sleep. I take a sleeping pill. The nightmares have tormented me for years. Sometimes a sleeping pill helps, but sometimes it doesn't stop the torture.

I'm in a dark house. I see a bruise on my arm. I know where it's from, it's from the same place as the bruises that cover my legs and my back. I don't remember the beatings, but I am convinced that Husband has done this to me. He walks out of a dark corner, saying nothing. I try to scream to someone to save me from this monster, but I have no voice. I run out of the house and down the street, where I see my aunt. She's the only one who knows what I know. She knows where the bruises come from. Everyone else dismisses them and thinks I'm crazy. But she knows. I scream out to her, this time finding my voice. But Husband catches up to me, picks me up and carries me back to the dark house. I sob in the dark. More bruises appearing on my body.

My alarm goes off. I feel exhausted. Maybe it's time for another trip to the doctor.