Letting Life Happen

When we decided that we would be moving to a different state a while back, I had no idea what our living situation would be in our new city. We were separated and paying an insane amount of rent between the two of us. I had no intention at that point to move back in with Husband. So let's just say we were not exactly poised to settle down and buy a house together.

So when I started looking into rentals in the new city, I was only considering me and Child. When I inquired about new places, I inquired as a family of two. Several people told me that I should be looking at purchasing a home instead of renting. The market was a total buyer's market, and I had a good job. I thought that was a silly idea because we had never owned a house, we were a mess of a couple, I didn't have enough of a down payment, and I just didn't want any more commitments.

But the more I thought and prayed about it, the more I felt like maybe I should not dismiss the idea without exploring it. I have a history of trying to control my life and everyone in it, and this was a chance to just let life happen. 

I unexpectedly got an early work bonus that accounted for the rest of the down payment I needed, and I was able to qualify to purchase a home on my own. So I thought, what the heck, I'll look at houses with a realtor and see what happens. I fully expected it to not work out. But we ended up finding the most adorable little fixer-upper in a really nice neighborhood. As soon as I saw the house, it felt like it was where I should be. It was so....normal. And feeling like a normal family was appealing, even though we aren't a normal family. I still wasn't sure I wanted Husband to live with us, but his recovery pace was starting to pick up, and I could see some real changes.

We put in an offer for a lease to purchase, because I still couldn't commit to a house right away. I wanted a few months to "try it out" first. I was convinced that the sellers wouldn't go for it. And I was at peace with just letting it go. But the sellers agreed to the lease to purchase, and they also offered a really good deal on the house.

So we moved in August to our house that wasn't yet really our house. An in-house separation. And that first month was rocky. We had to re-learn how to be in the same house, and sometimes it really wasn't pretty. Again, I just knew the deal for the house would fall through. I wouldn't get financing because of my husband's not so great track record with money, husband would relapse, the lenders would change their mind. Surely, something would go wrong. I felt like we would not get the house and it would be a sign that our marriage isn't moving forward and it would be time to divorce.

But last week, despite all odds, we closed on the house. I can still hardly believe it happened. I really struggle with feeling like God is involved in my life and leading me in the right direction, but with this, I do believe there was a message. I feel like this means that I can move forward. And that I can think about moving forward, ever so cautiously, with Husband. I could be wrong, and only time will tell.

But we just bought our first house together. The most lovely little house that symbolizes new, albeit sometimes rocky and awkward, beginnings.

The Great Betrayal

I am still unpacking boxes from our move. I found a box yesterday that contained a groomsmen gift from my brother to my husband. My brother got married before D-Day, and both me and Husband were in the wedding party. The gift I found was a poker set, something my husband had never opened because he doesn't play poker. Child was intrigued and wanted to open it. Inside was a card from my brother to my husband.

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I am so glad that you are standing up with me on the most important day of my life. I thank God that He brought you and Eleanor together. You are an amazing husband and father, and I couldn't ask for a better match for my sister. I look to you as a role model for what a loyal and caring husband is. I'm glad to have another brother!

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I had a couple of reactions to reading the card. First, I was relieved in a strange way to receive confirmation that I was not somehow missing something that everyone else saw in Husband. We were all duped into thinking that Husband was an honest and selfless man with no secrets. The second reaction was sadness and empathy for my brother. I know what it was like to find out that years of my life were a lie, and it hurts that my brother also had to experience that along with the rest of my family. 

I had absolutely no idea that my seemingly loving and selfless husband was consumed by an entire alternate world of infidelity until I accidentally discovered it with one click of a mouse. And what hurt most was not the infidelity, but the realization that my life as I knew it for eight years was not reality.

"Perhaps robbing someone of his or her story is the greatest betrayal of all." -Anna Fels

Fighting The Good Fight

This is the time of the year when it's harder to fight the fog. I notice myself having trouble concentrating, my memory fades, and my energy level drops to record lows. It's the depression fog. The  cold, dark nights try to steal my happiness. The lack of sunshine, trips to the park, and long runs in the sun, coupled with the impending holiday season, threaten my progress.

But I'm not giving in this year. I know what's happening, and I'm fighting it. I'm so sick and tired of the fog that steals my joy. The fog that makes me want to curl up under the covers and sleep until Spring.

I joined a gym. I tie up my shoes and exercise every day. This week I did Zumba and Yoga. Maybe next week it will be swimming. I'm eating foods that give me energy. I'm eliminating the nonsense of busyness. Simplicity and serenity are my medicine. I continue to rely on modern medicine and therapy to fight this battle, and I am not ashamed to admit that I need many sources of help.

I don't want my Husband and Child to get a wife and mother consumed by the winter fog. I'm fighting this. Some days may be better than others, but now that I know what I'm up against, I'm better prepared to fight.

Still Adjusting To The New Husband

Me: "When you weren't open with your plans tonight, I felt unsafe. One of my boundaries about honesty includes not omitting any information in conversation. So, I would like to sleep separately from you and be cautious until I feel safer."

Husband: "What I'm hearing you say is that you feel unsafe [yay for therapy dialogue technique]. I'm sorry that I wasn't completely transparent with you. I understand why you might feel unsafe because I used to withhold information from you a lot. I don't know why I wasn't just open, it was a mistake in communication on my part. I do want you to know that I am not hiding anything. I have not slipped or relapsed. I will work on being completely open with you in communication."

Huh. I already feel better about last night. My husband would never have that response if he was actually hiding something. He would avoid confrontation and would get angry and deflect questioning. I know this from lots of experience living with a liar for many years.

It will take some time, I guess, to adjust to the new in-recovery Husband, but I am definitely not complaining.

Hiding Information Is Lying

Me: "Where are you?"
Husband: "Driving to therapy."
Me: "Oh, OK. Blah, blah, funny story, blah, blah"
[people's voices in the background]
Me: "You are not in your car."
Husband: "Well, I'm at Long John Silver's {side note...that place is so gross}."
Me: "You lied to me."
Husband: "Well, I'm still on my way to therapy, I just had to stop to eat."
Me: "If you are out to eat, tell me you are out to eat, not driving."

I don't care if the topic is as benign as eating fast food or as serious as infidelity. Lying by omission is a real thing.

From my boundary list...

I have a right to honesty in my marriage.

What this means…No lying or keeping secrets or half-truths. No omitting information for any reason. Communicating openly and truthfully. Calling to tell me if/why you will be late coming home for any reason. No secret email accounts, chat accounts, cell phone numbers, texts, or phone calls. 

Husband will be sleeping in another bedroom, right after I had just started feeling more safe in his presence. It seems silly to get upset over something like this after all we've been through. But dishonesty, no matter how meaningless, pushes the reset button on my feelings of safety in his company.

I'm angry, sad, and fearful. I need to pull out my recovery tool kit and pray for guidance.

And some support from blog land would help, too. I'm learning to ask for things when I need them.

A Historic Day In Eleanor's World

This will forever be remembered as the day Husband and I resolved a problem with honest communication and sincerity. I would like to mark this occasion, the 8th of November, 2013, with a full recount of this momentous event.

I was angry with Husband. Usually, I try to come up with excuses to avoid him when I'm angry so that I don't actually have to talk about it (healthy, I know). But we've been getting along much better lately. And avoiding him wasn't as easy as when we were barely speaking.

So I did something bold. I told him that I was angry and why. His typical response in the past would be to try to bring it back on me, that somehow whatever I was angry about was my fault. He would pout and give me the silent treatment. BUT, today he said that he was very sorry for the behavior that I was angry about (money related), and he showed me his plan to improve that behavior in the future.

I was so surprised how quickly my anger subsided when he apologized and showed me evidence that he was working on this particular behavior. And I was even more surprised when Husband owned up to his behavior, didn't try to minimize, blame, or manipulate, and just said "I'm sorry." And still more amazing is that I didn't keep that resentment with me. I was able to let it go.

Is THIS a glimpse of what a healthy marriage looks like???

It Just Creeped In...

I couldn't get out of bed this morning. I slept for eight hours, but felt like I didn't sleep at all. I mustered up every ounce of energy I had and got Child ready for school. I left the house in jeans, with my hair soaking wet, and with huge bags under my eyes. As I turned into the parking lot of my work, it hit me.

The busyness crept in when I wasn't expecting it. I was running ragged. I hadn't practiced self-care in almost two weeks. I was eating junk food. I wasn't exercising. I was working on "stuff" from when I woke up to when I went to bed. Sure things were going well with Husband, but I was medicating big time with busyness.

So, instead of parking at work, I turned the car around and drove back home. I got in bed and let my body sleep until it felt rested. And four hours later, I woke up.

Busyness is my crutch. I think that because things were going well with Husband, I let my guard down. But now that I recognize what's going on, I'm going to take deep breaths and cancel my plans for tonight.

Because who in their right mind plans to demo a kitchen pantry and repaint it on a week night after working all day and cooking dinner? The woman who medicates with busyness to escape real life, that's who.