Slipping

September is the bad month. The month of anniversaries of betrayals and heartache. The month of extra trips to the doctor to deal with insomnia, weight gain, and inexplicable fatigue.

It feels like there is a 500 lb weight on me, holding me down. Crushing my spirit. Stealing my joy. I have to talk myself into taking a shower and staying at work. It would be much easier to just skip it all. Lie in bed, waiting for night to come. I save every last ounce of positive energy for my Child. And it gets used up quickly. I don't have energy for anything else.

And the slip. Somewhere in the dark thoughts I remember that there is an "other woman" from the past who lives in the same state we moved to last month. The one whose emails filled my husband's inbox on D-Day. The one who sent cookies to my Child and explicit pictures to my Husband. The one who wrecked her own marriage and children in September. The family who was destroyed in part by the actions of my husband. And she consumes my thoughts. She lives only an hour from me now. I have no energy to fight my obsession. I google her. I've googled her many times before. I see her kids, her ex-husband. I ache for her children. I am overcome with grief for her ex-husband, who by all accounts is a dedicated Christian father. The pictures only bring me more pain and anger. Another  marriage broken by deceit. Some days I want to reach out to them. Tell them that I know their pain.

The heaviness of addiction ties me down in September. Crushing my progress. But I know that I will wake up in October. I have before, and I will do it again.