I, along with most members of my family, am afflicted with an illness. It's called "viewing the world through rose-colored glasses". On the surface, this seems like a positive character trait, and in many ways it can be. We tend to see the best in people, we jump to help when people are in need, and we look for the silver linings in situations. But this character trait has also at times prevented me from seeing Husband for what he is, an addict. It is what kept me living in a situation that was harmful to my spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being. And I have worked so, so hard to accept the reality of my situation, as that is what gives me the strength to set healthy boundaries for myself.
But, today I want to travel back in time to the days before I knew he was an addict. I want to stay up late with him talking and laughing, making jokes and getting too competitive playing board games. I want to watch off-beat movies and lie together on the couch, and I want to end the day feeling loved and cherished. I just want one day where I have that man back, even though I know he did not really exist. I created an idealized version of Husband that was at odds with his hidden life. It's just so hard to accept reality.
What I'll actually do tonight is exercise my anger out, spend quality time playing with my child, cook dinner, prep for tomorrow, kiss my child goodnight, and go to bed alone. But I'll go to bed knowing that I am taking care of myself and my child in a home that is free of addiction. And maybe that new reality will start to grow on me.
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