Filling The Void

I stopped at the grocery store on the way to pick up Child and bought three candy bars. And then I ate them in the car. Last week, I stopped on the way to work and picked up donuts. And then I ate them in the car. I started a bath last week and relaxed with a warm bath and chocolate.

Why? Why? Why?

My eating habits are directly and predictably related to my moods. I still have a really, really hard time recognizing two emotions. Sad, I've got that one down. Angry and lonely? Not so much.

I try to give it over to God. Here, God, take my emotional eating. I don't want it anymore. It never helps me. It only makes things worse. I get so convinced in my prayers that this is it. I know that I use food to fill the void. I feel a deep pit of lonely that I fill with food. I feel a deep rage that gets stuffed down with food. I know that I do this.

But each time, I take it back. I give over my emotional eating and then I take it back. Because I just need some chocolate. You know, to calm down, to ease the pain.

I miss my friends from where I used to live. I've had a hard time making new friends in my new city. I want mom-friends, but all of the mom groups at church and otherwise are typically only for moms who do not work outside the home and can meet at 10:00 AM on a weekday. I need working mom friends, like I had where I lived previously. Who like to set up play dates at 6:00 PM on weeknights. So I'm lonely, but the effort that would be required to get unlonely seems daunting.

I'm angry. So angry. Every two weeks, despite my very best intentions of giving over finances to God and setting the very best boundaries I can, I get angry. Because my husband overdrafts his account and gets non-sufficient funds notices. It does not affect me directly because of my boundaries. But it does mean that Husband doesn't contribute his fair share to our household finances. But setting yet another boundary is so much work.

No wonder I like to read books for addict. I'm pretty sure you could replace food with porn and that story above would read like a sex addict. I'm justifying my behavior by how I've been wronged. And I have been wronged, but food is not the answer. And I know that. But I continue the behavior.

I think I could learn a thing or two from a recovering addict.