Am I Real?

I wrote a guest post on my cousin's blog. She was interested in having me write a post, sort of a "day in the life" post. If anyone is reading this right now, you are probably chuckling. Because, let's be honest, jaws would drop if I wrote under my real name about what life was really like for me on a daily basis.

We'll let's see...usually my husband isn't at home in the evenings because he's a 12-step meetings. There's a whole lot of talk about sex and recovery and lying and betrayal and sponsees and serenity prayers. Sometimes I get freaked out because I have flashbacks of when he had sex with other people, but then I remember that this wasn't about my worth as a wife. There's awkward therapy dialogue and talk of our Higher Power and LOTS of new ways of interacting with our son to bust through the feelings of shame and worthlessness we brought into our marriage. We want our son to know his worth in this world, to know that it's OK to fail, and to know that unconditional love comes from a loving and merciful God.

Nope, I didn't write any of that. I talked about how before I had my son, I kind of thought I knew everything there was to know about parenting because of my career. And then, after I had my son, I realized that I really didn't know much at all. It was a rather lighthearted post, intended to make fun of myself a little and hopefully let other mothers know that we're all just flying by the seat of our pants here, even the most "trained" person is still going to be flustered as a parent sometimes.

People seemed to like the post. Someone commented that she loved how I was keeping it real. And I'm glad that people liked it. But to me, it felt pretty far from keeping it real. What people don't know is that the only reason that I was able to write a post like that where I admitted that I too struggle as a parent is because I've spent the last two plus years in therapy, I've been treated for depression and anxiety, and I understand now that I receive unconditional love from my Higher Power. But I left all those parts out of my lighthearted post and so to me, it felt a bit fake even though everything I wrote was true.

I'm glad that I can be really real all the way here, on my anonymous blog. Sometimes I just want to shout my real story from the rooftops. Because to me it's a miracle that I could be happier now than I was before I found out that my husband was an adulterous liar. But it's true. I am happier and healthier, and I know for sure that God is working through me. I have come to believe over the last year or so that I do have a loving Higher Power who shows unconditional love and mercy to me even in my brokenness.

Someday, I know that I will share my real story in a more public way. I feel it. I think that when the time is right, I will know.