I Have A Problem

Over the past few years, I have developed a memory problem. Not just a silly, oh-I'm-so-forgetful memory problem, a problem that actually creates difficulty for me in my job and in my family.

The specific problem, it seems, is delayed recall. In other words, I can have an entire conversation about something, and then have that person come to me a day or week later to discuss the topic again, and I cannot remember what was said. I can record something on DVR for my son, only to have no recollection of it the next week when I see the TV. I can watch a movie (in this case, The Family Stone), and remark to my husband that I thought it was a good movie and without nudity, only to have him say, "I know. We saw it together in the theater." I've seen that movie before?

I've joked about the problem, but it's actually a pretty big deal. I have to have a handwritten planner in which I write every single solitary thing down, otherwise I fear it will be lost forever. I've been caught in one too many conversations with people in which they appear confused about my lack of recollection of a previous event, conversation, or title of something.

And I never really thought to investigate the problem until today, which is really silly considering that I work in the mental health field. Here's what I found...

Did you know that humans and rodents have trouble with delayed recall when placed under stress-inducing conditions? Their cortisol levels rise and impair their memory capabilities. In one study, rats were placed in a shock box. Then a week later, they had to complete a memory task. But for some rats, they were shown the shock box again as a reminder. They weren't shocked again, just shown the box. And those rats who saw a reminder of their trauma, if you will, were significantly more likely to rely on less efficient memory strategies.

I was hooked on reading this research today, because it suggests that perhaps the effects of betrayal trauma and the resulting high levels of stress hormones flowing through my body may be to blame for my embarrassing memory problems as of late. That I may not in fact just be going insane. I'm actually dealing with an impaired neural system as a result of being exposed to the shock box one too many times.

Anyone else have mysterious and embarrassing memory problems? Been exposed to the shock box one too many times?

Empowerment

My brand new washer was making a buzzing noise during the spin cycle and wouldn't work. My BRAND NEW washer. So I pulled it out from the wall, got a screwdriver, and started taking things apart (after unplugging it first, of course). I found a bobby pin stuck in the drain pipe. So I removed it and put everything back together. The washer works fine now.

The garbage disposal was not functioning. So I bought a new one, uninstalled the old, and installed a pretty and efficient garbage disposal (did you know they come in pretty colors now?).

I wanted to take out the ridiculous shelves someone had put in the pantry. So I got out a hammer and started hitting the shelves until I had every one of them removed. I installed new shelves and painted one wall a pretty gray.

The walls in the kitchen dining room area were a combination of mismatched wood. I bought some primer and paint, got the wooden walls ready, and painted them in the most beautiful shade of off-white. Makes the house look 20 years newer.

Owning my first house has been therapeutic. And empowering. I am a smart woman, and I can do a lot of things. Like Jane so eloquently wrote this morning, I don't need no man.

Don't get me wrong, though. I want to be with the man I am getting to know in recovery, but my survival in the world and my happiness does not depend on him.