Crazy Talk

I was very busy the past few weeks traveling for work. I've learned that traveling is a huge trigger for me. I worry about my child when I travel, I worry about money, I get behind on household chores, I worry about what Husband is doing, and I get lonely and tired and do not take care of myself well. I need a week or so to "recover" from traveling, and during that time, I often engage in crazy talk. It's that tape that plays over and over in my mind telling me that I'm not being a good mother, a good employee, a good daughter, wife, or friend. I berate myself for the messy house, for not being on top of work, for not spending enough time with my child. I feel insecure and want to run to my Husband for support. All of those things I do for self care when not traveling get thrown out the window. Basically, I panic.

But there's a difference between my crazy talk in my mind now and crazy talk of the past. With the benefit of therapy, support groups, and education on addiction and co-dependency, I can recognize that the tapes playing in my head are unjustifiably harsh. The truth is that I am doing the best I can during a busy time. I may not have a clean kitchen, but I still fix healthy dinners for my child. I may be a bit distracted at work, but I still meet the most pressing deadline. I may not be engaging in enough self care, but tomorrow I plan to exercise. I may not have been an attentive enough friend, but I can set up a lunch date to catch up. In reality, I'm doing OK. And I can continue to do OK without Husband, as I continue to develop my relationship with my Higher Power.

For now, I am going to play with my child and enjoy a quiet evening at home. Tomorrow is a new day, and I am alright.