"Change Back!"

I'm reading a book on anger by Harriet Lerner. In it, she describes the "change back!" phenomenon. This is the reaction of most people when we try to change our behavior, improve our communication, set a new boundary.

This is certainly what happened in my case. When I decided to set some boundaries with Husband after D-Day, I certainly heard "change back!" in the way he responded. In the beginning, he did some recovery work, and by that I mean that he went to a meeting once a week only if it was convenient for him to go. I now know that nothing really changed, and he was just attending the meetings so that I would leave him alone. After a few months, he quit going. He claimed that he was too busy, and he didn't want to discuss it further.

I did a lot of thinking about this. His lack of recovery behavior made me feel unsafe. But was I being too demanding? Was I being controlling in wanting him to participate in recovery? How would he react if I set a boundary? I decided that I would no longer have sex with him if he was not going to be in recovery. I talked it through with my therapist, and she thought this was a good solution. It was not a boundary to punish him, to try to control him, or manipulate him. This was truly a boundary to keep me safe. I had no idea if I was putting myself at physical risk by being intimate with him, so it had to stop.

His response was probably the most painful string of words I've ever heard from him. He told me that I was cutting him down at a time where he was just getting his life together. He said, "What is this supposed to accomplish?" "Why even try recovery if it's not going to do any d*** good?" "Eleanor, you can be my best motivator to change or my addict's best motivator to act out." He thought my therapist put me up to this and was brainwashing me. He told me I was clueless and selfish. That I don't realize how much I've hurt him. 

Looking back on that time, I can clearly see the addict response. He was losing easy access to his drug, and he was willing to do anything to get it back. He didn't care who he hurt along the way. But in the moment, I felt ashamed. I felt like a horrible wife. I eventually, after a month, gave in. He did not change his behavior, but I started having sex with him again. I couldn't take the hurt, the mean words, the coldness.

It took me almost a year to set another, more permanent boundary...our separation.

I'm reflecting on that time because I now realize, in reading Lerner's book, that this was "change back!" behavior. And it worked. I did change back. But now I remember how awful it felt. And I have resisted the "change back!" message during our separation. I will NOT back down. I will fight for my safety, and I will fight so that my child can live in a home free of addiction.