THOSE blogs

Do you read THOSE blogs? You know, the ones that project an image of a perfectly happy family with the beautiful stay-at-home mom? They have a nice house, they have perfectly dressed kids, the husband is always giving compliments, flowers, and cooking dinner? The ones where the wife goes to coffee with friends while her kids are in school, is a champ at Pinterest DIY projects, and always manages to make gourmet dinners from scratch?

I used to read them all the time. I wanted to be like them. I wanted my life to look like that. I tried to make my life picture perfect.

And then I found out that I am married to an addict. I've been cheated on, betrayed, lied to, and deceived for my entire marriage. I began boycotting THOSE blogs, because I felt completely inadequate when I read them. I felt guilty for being a working mother, for canceling gatherings with friends, for not being able to cook, for forgetting to take the perfect pictures of my child each month. Then I discovered the blogs of women whose husbands were also being swallowed up by addiction. These women were so real. So honest. Their lives weren't picture perfect, by any means. But they were fighting. Trying to keep afloat, take care of their kids, and manage the impossible emotions that come with knowing their husbands were living a double life. I started to realize that THOSE blogs may be projecting only the pretty parts of people's lives. Their reality may have lots of dark places like mine. And even if their reality is truly picture-perfect, I am thankful for my own reality.

For so long I resented the fact that I had to be the primary breadwinner. I felt like I got a raw deal. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Husband had promised to provide for the family, and he did not follow through on that promise. My heart ached when I read blogs about stay-at-home moms doing special projects with their kids. But the truth is that being the primary breadwinner gave me many options when I found out that Husband was an addict. I didn't have the burden of worrying about looking for a job or trying to make ends meet. It gave me freedom to make choices that I otherwise couldn't have made. It allowed me to provide for my child, regardless of Husband. And although there are some days where those heart-wrenching feelings surface, I feel lucky to be a working mother. I know that I am doing the absolute very best for my child.

So I may not be the picture-perfect stay-at-home mom, but I care just as much if not more about my child's well being. My life is messy, and certainly not Pinterest worthy. But it's full of love and devotion. And I hope that in the end, that's what really matters.