Dreamweaver

There are several theories about why we have dreams. There are those who believe that dreams are simply the brain's way of consolidating memories, and rapid firing neurons end up putting together strings of memories, thoughts, and emotions in a somewhat random way during sleep. Those of the more spiritual type tend to believe that dreams are God's way of telling us something. I've heard countless stories of times in which people have said that God gave them a message in a dream. Of course, there are biblical roots to this concept of dreams as well. I tend to think that both dream theories are right.

I have an appointment this week with Husband's therapist to discuss his upcoming disclosure process. The therapist wants to talk to me about any fears I may have, what I can expect, and how I can prepare. Since scheduling this appointment, I have felt 'off'. I've been a little forgetful, more emotional than usual, and have had a lot of trouble sleeping. Because of nightmares. I have a recurring dream that Husband is cheating on me and lying about it. In the dreams, I panic because I somehow missed the signs again. And in the dreams, he always lies to my face while I have evidence of the cheating. I have another recurring dream in which I cheat on Husband with the boy from my past. In those dreams, I wish I was back with him, and I always choose the boy in the past over the Husband in my dreams.

It's easy for me to see where the dreams represent memories and accompanying thoughts and emotions. I've worked through the trauma of the boy from my past in therapy, and I've discussed the fact that he was very passionate. Sometimes I convince myself that it would have been easier with boy from the past because if he wanted something, if he was happy, or if he was mad, he let me know loud and clear. Husband, on the other hand, is a giant mystery. I also see how the dream about Husband cheating is likely happening more frequently now because we're going to go through the disclosure process. All of those memories about finding out that he is a sex addict are resurfacing.

But I also think that perhaps God is giving me a message through these recurring dreams. I'm not sure exactly what the message is, but I'm trying to be open to hearing it. Perhaps it is a message about how I've let FEAR run my life. Perhaps it's a challenge to work through some of my issues prior to the disclosure process. Perhaps it is a gentle reminder to lean on God during this process. I can't do this alone. And in every dream, I fail to come out of the situation with a solution. Maybe I need to let God be a part of the process.