I grew up in a very conservative religious family. Somewhere along the line, although I'm sure this was not my parents' intention nor the intention of my religious community in teaching me about faith, I internalized what people have called "Catholic guilt". That nagging feeling that I am doing something wrong, I am not doing enough for others, and that I am just plain wrong. I had a sneaking suspicion that I just wasn't who God intended for me to be, I wasn't the daughter my parents wanted, I just wasn't.
After D-Day I found myself not only questioning many "truths" I had learned growing up, but I found myself questioning the very existence of God. And here's why. My brain and its warped logic decided that men are not to be trusted. Men are dangerous. Men abuse their power. I now realize that my brain is making a huge, unjustified leap from my experiences with Husband to half of our world's population (thank you for the reality check, therapist!). But because I have traditionally thought of God as a father-like figure, somehow my warped logic has also included God in those not to be trusted.
So I guess I'm starting from scratch here. People in my recovery circles speak of a gentle, caring Higher Power who loves unconditionally. They speak of unearned grace, the necessity of taking care of ourselves as a way to thank God for giving us life. They talk about letting go and letting God, trusting in the process, feeling the healing presence of God in their lives. I'm trying to be open to conversion. If a God like the one I just described exists, I would love to get to know Him (Her?).
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