Spiritual Darkness

Continued from here...

I got so lost in trying to sort through what was right and wrong in my own situation and focused so much on trying to "do it right" and make my marriage fit in the Catholic rule books. I wavered between feeling like I had to get an annulment to feeling like I was an evil sinner by being on birth control to feeling like Church doctrine was useless. It was after many sessions worrying about the rules, and feeling in between a rock and a hard place, that my therapist said, Eleanor, the rules make sense for couples of healthy mind, body, and spirit. You are doing the best you can in circumstances that don't make sense right now. Don't focus so much on the rules, focus on your safety, security, and healthy boundaries. Do the best you can, and you will find the answers you need.

I took my first deep breath in months after hearing those words. I tried my best to heed her advice and focus on my own healing, knowing that the answers would come in time. But patience and tolerance of mental discord are not my best qualities. So it was a rough road.

Little by little, I tried to accept a future that might include no more children. And no more marriage. I tried so desperately to accept that I was experiencing a spiritual darkness rather than trying so hard to reason my way out of it. I started working to appreciate even more the gift of the child I was able to have. Learning from my 12-step group to practice an attitude of gratitude. Not easy. And I failed a lot. But I did start to experience more joy, even in the midst of darkness.

And then my reality started to change. The husband I gave up on started to reappear. And he was calmer. His face more solemn and less angry. His behavior more predictable, and his presence more safe. Month after month of consistency, apologies, and accountability.

And that's when everything got scary...