My false self has been nurtured well over the years. It's the parts of me I let people see. Fr. Richard Rohr (my absolute favorite spiritual leader/writer) says that this protection and building of the false self is part of the first half of life, the ascension.
I totally rocked that part of life. I could mold my behavior, my image, even my appearance, to be what other people desired from me. The goal for me, ultimately, was approval and praise.
The problem, according to Fr. Rohr, comes when one works so hard to cultivate the false self that she ignores and denies her shadow self. The shadow is human weakness, character defects according to 12-step.
And so it appears that living through D-Day has caused my false self to start disintegrating. Those things I worked so hard to protect, like the image of the perfect family, became impossible to protect. I started to realize that living my life to get praise from others was miserable.
Fr. Rohr describes the phase I find myself in right now as the descent, which is ultimately just plain old reality. I'm finding myself in situation after situation where my weaknesses are being made clear. I like to be right all the time, I'm stubborn, I have a serious emotional eating problem, and I'm terrified of intimacy.
The funny thing about this awareness of my weaknesses is that I'm overall happier now than I've ever been. Humiliated, for sure, but feeling more authentic.
Awesome! I am going through this too. Super hard, but relieving too. You're amazing.
ReplyDeleteThis is really well put. I've always felt geuine and honest, but I like this idea of false self and shadow self. I didn't have a double life in the way my husband has, but I still hide my real me away from others, including myself. -MM
ReplyDelete