The Comment That Changed My Life

Husband was angry with me, once again. What was new, I thought. Same old, same old. He thought that I had spent too much time with my family on vacation (he chose not to go with us). At that point in my recovery, though, I had gained a tremendous amount of strength. I was learning what loving detachment meant, and I had developed a great social support group. I chose to leave the house with Child and go to the park. Husband could be mad, but I didn't have to be there with him while he raged.

My mom called while I was at the park. My mom and I have had a rocky relationship. After some harsh judgment towards me when I first disclosed to her that I was married to an addict, we worked out an agreement that she would not give me advice. Otherwise, I would have to limit my communication with her. She has a tendency to want to "fix" things that are not hers to fix, although her intentions are always good (like mother, like daughter). Here's what she said that day when I told her that I was at the park because Husband was mad at me again.

"Eleanor, I am not saying this to judge you in any way. I am genuinely asking. Doesn't this have to change at some point? Get better or get divorced? How long can you live like this and not have a breakdown? I'm worried about you and Child because Child needs at least one healthy parent."

There are many things my mom has said over the years that have made me very angry. But, let's be honest. She was totally spot on with this comment. That comment allowed me to reflect a bit on the hopelessness of our marriage at that point. It also allowed me to get the gut feeling I needed. I was strong enough. I was ready.

I met with a lawyer. Laid out my plan with her and gave her a ton of money. I wrote my letter to Husband. I consulted with my therapist. I came home from work that next week and sat Husband down for a talk. In short, I told him that he needed to move out and completely change his life, including recovery, 12 steps, therapy, financial responsibility, hold a steady job, and more. If he was not willing to agree to do everything I asked of him, I would submit divorce papers. If he agreed, I would give him six months to prove that he was giving 110% to changing his life. And if he did, I would consider marriage therapy and reconciling. I also let him know that I would be using the time to continue my own recovery.

And with that, Husband reluctantly (and not without trying to change my mind first) moved out. Sometimes it just takes one comment, one experience, to know what God wants me to hear.