Not So Rough Around The Edges

There was a time when I thought I was damaged for good because of Husband's addiction. I was doomed to be a cold-hearted, controlling woman, with no room for love or happiness. But this week I have the strangest feeling. I feel my heart softening. It's hard to explain, really, how I could go from once filing for divorce to feeling open to compassion for Husband.

The changes I have seen in Husband since separating from him are nothing short of miraculous. He has moved forward in his career, he manages his money responsibly, he communicates his feelings, he is present with our Child, and he has humility. Most importantly, he is sober and honest and trusts in a Higher Power. Now, it's not all roses and rainbows here. We have such a long, hard road ahead. But I feel differently about him today, and most especially after he was willing to share all of his most shameful actions with me, knowing full well that this could be the end of our marriage. What courage it must have taken to be so vulnerable with the person he has hurt the most. 

I'm now writing what is called a "damage" letter to Husband as part of his therapy. I am supposed to list all of the ways in which Husband's addiction has hurt me. This is then followed by my boundary list I would have in place were we to eventually decide to live together under one roof. These were both relatively easy to write. Therapist also suggested that if there's anything else I'd like to write in the letter, it should be after the boundaries. And I found that I think I do have something else I'd like to write in the letter. Ironic as it may seem, there are blessings that have come from his addiction. 

****From the Damage Letter:

Your addiction has affected me in many negative ways, but because I’ve gone through this experience, I am also a different person today. The following are the ways in which I have changed…

I have rediscovered my ability to make and keep close friends. I have developed a healthy and supportive social support network. I have worked through depression and overcome past traumas in therapy. I have gained more appreciation for my family. I am more honest about my shortcomings. I spend more quality time with Child. I am a better and more present mother. I created a healthy work/life balance. I took risks and learned how to cook and learned about meditation. I started to exercise again and learned the importance of self-care. I have more confidence in myself and my ability to make good decisions. I have developed a new relationship with a loving and merciful Higher Power who has taught me what grace means. I trust my gut instinct, I have a voice, and I have peace and serenity in my life.

****

Today I don't feel so rough around the edges.