Pain Behind The Eyes

Literally. For the past two weeks, I have had an almost constant headache. Not bad enough to keep me home from work, but bad enough to make it hard to stay positive. I drastically increased my water intake, made some diet changes, exercise changes, sleep changes, and all the other 'go-to' things I do for headaches. So far, no luck. Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's something else. I don't know. I have a family history of pretty crazy headache-related stuff. I hope I'm not joining the family lineage.

I can sense that Husband thinks I'm faking it. But I just don't care what he thinks.

I've been avoiding looking at a computer screen whenever possible. It's unavoidable at work, but it's meant that reading or writing in blog-land just hasn't happened lately.

That's it. That's all I have to say. I'll just call this the most boring post ever.

It's All So Counterintuitive

It came back. Somehow. 

Letting go. Detaching. No more enabling.

It takes a lot of effort. But the payoff is sanity. 

Husband doesn't call to say when he's going to be home? I don't care. I'm not planning my evenings around his schedule. If he comes home at an unexpected time and there is no dinner for him, it's not my problem. Husband wants to watch TV instead of talk to me? I don't care. I get more me-time. Husband doesn't want to do things that will rebuild trust? I don't care. It's not my job to help him earn my trust.

But what happens when I finally give up is counterintuitive to me. When I let go, detach, and give up, Husband starts to hang on, attach, and try harder. He's been calling me regularly. That laundry pile? Folded and put away. He says he appreciates me. He wants to spend time with me. He offers to give a back rub without expecting anything in return.

On an intellectual level, I get it. I've been through this cycle before. I am the overfunctioner and enabler, and I always hit a limit. Once I let go and stop functioning for the whole relationship, Husband steps in and works at the marriage. 

Emotionally, it's harder to understand. Why does getting to my absolute limit and completely giving up on my marriage result in Husband trying?

Getting Back on Track

Frequent nightmares, panic, and incessant intrusive thoughts. These are my trauma experiences. They cause sleepless nights, the need for anxiety medication, and a whole lot of pain.

I participated in the Addo Recovery program earlier this year, but I lost track about half way through the program. My horrible excuse is that I just got too busy to take the time for myself. But I'm recommitting to it today, because I deserve healing too.

If you don't already know, here is what Addo Recovery has to say about their program...

"If your loved one has a pornography or sexual addiction, you may be left feeling tremendous anxiety, heartache and fear. It's not your fault, and your feelings are completely natural. This condition is called Betrayal Trauma. We have a free six-week program for you.

 

Unfortunately many women with Betrayal Trauma aren't receiving proper care, leading to long-term negative effects.

 

We can help. You can be restored to health and peace. We can't change what has happened, but we can help change how you deal with it. Your future is full of hope."

 

Please go to www.addorecovery.com/join.

 

The online portion of the program starts this Thursday October 3rd with the first Group next Thursday the 10th of October.

 

If you can't make this week, they will be opening another round of the program the 17th of October.

 

I'm doing this for me this time. No more excuses.

 

Here are some of the stories of the brave women who are fighting this fight.

 

 

Sidreis' Story (Short) from Addo Recovery on Vimeo.

The Aftermath

Between the meltdown in the early hours of this morning and Harriet's inspiring post (I promise I loved it Harriet, and I love your courage!), I felt a little glimmer of the strength within me that has been so hard to reach lately.

I started thinking about this incident and how Harriet described padding consequences. I was all fired up when I wrote that post. But, do you want to know what I did about it to enforce boundaries? Nothing! Not a single thing. I let it go. I even enabled it. This week, when I saw that Husband's bank account was getting low, I reminded him and asked him to please not overspend this week. It was lame, I know. How many times have my pleading words really been heard by someone who is a recovering addict? Right, like zero.

After my meltdown, I opened my accounts to find that Husband has $4.04 left in his account. And I know that he wrote at least one check for over $50.00 this week. He's going to overspend his account. And today is not a day where I back down. I left work, went to the bank, and changed the account settings so that it no longer overdrafts from my savings. My hard-earned money that I am saving for a house for our Child is safe. And sometime today or tomorrow, a check will bounce from his account.

I am tired of padding the consequences. Please God let this fire within me last so that I can protect myself and my child.

Over The Cliff

Last Night's Nightmare...
He wants me to go out to dinner with him and a "friend". When I meet her, I know instantly that she is not a friend. The two are involved. She starts to criticize me. I arrive in my usual goodwill dress and hair pulled back. She calls me boring. She, on the other hand, is dressed in a black corset, long, dark hair and lots of makeup. We sit down at the table, and I realize that I somehow have her phone. I open up the pictures to find graphic pictures, pictures of trips they've taken, pictures of them as a couple.

I start to panic and want to call someone in my family to come get me. But I can't find their numbers. I'm sobbing and Husband starts to laugh at me. He whispers things into her ear, and he starts to talk about my flaws. Naming them one by one just like he criticized me in emails. I want to leave so bad, but I can't find anyone's number to call. So I just sob as they laugh at me.

This Morning...
Meltdown. I woke up sobbing. I continued to sob. I just sat in the dark and cried. I haven't cried like that since the day I found out the full extent of Husband's acting out.

I feel a little better after melting down. I have felt so weak and helpless lately, but now I feel a surge of strength. I hope it lasts.

On The Verge

I feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown. My sanity is hanging by a thread. I'm trying to do everything in my power to keep it together. I'm exercising, practicing relaxation techniques, distracting myself with fun activities with Child, and concentrating on work. But, I feel the meltdown. My cheeks start to get red as I feel my blood pressure rising in the afternoon. I feel dehydrated and have a dull headache that stays with me all day.

I'm going through the motions and doing all the "stuff" a wife of a sex addict is told will help. I'm trying to connect with a Higher Power that seems ever elusive. I'm trying to let go. To detach. I'm trying to get back whatever it was I had that made me so calm this spring.

But I'm so damn tired. I'm tired of being unappreciated, ignored, and abandoned. I'm tired of living in a marriage where I function as the maid, the caregiver, and the occasional sex toy.

I don't know what happened to my serenity. I'm pretty sure it left the day that Husband moved back into my house.

So now what?

Purging The Bad Memories

I'm very much looking forward to the end of this Bad Month. I know that I have regressed in my own healing and recovery this month as a sea of bad memories has taken over my serenity-filled mind. Everything Husband is doing lately is suggesting that he is fully invested in his own recovery, but he is not invested in me. So I am re-detaching. And that helps.

But it also helps to keep purging the bad memories...

The first night in the hospital, I had contractions every 1 - 2 minutes, but I was not progressing in labor. I sat in a bed in the dark. Alone. Husband was sleeping. I should let him sleep. I thought. It was the right thing to do. He needs rest so that he can help me later. I could handle this on my own. The nurses were a bit worried with my contractions, so at 5 AM, they let me take a shower and then had me walk. A night without sleep, and I was only at the beginning of labor. I woke up Husband because we were moving to another room.

8 AM, the pain was intense, and the exhaustion was taking a toll. I was sitting on an exercise ball, crying. Husband was watching TV. He's not really paying attention to me. I thought. But it's me who is in labor. Focus on the positive, Eleanor.

They broke my water, and I started to get very sick. I was getting sick, then crying, then getting sick, then crying. The most-wonderful-nurse-ever tried to soothe me. She rubbed my back, she prayed with me, she dimmed the lights in the room. Husband watched TV. The nurse suggested an epidural. I readily agreed.

The pain was subsiding. The nurse suggested that I get some sleep because I was finally progressing in labor. I drifted off. The next thing I remember was waking up in the delivery room alone. Where is Husband? I thought. I asked the nurse. She said he left to go to hang out with his mom, who had been hounding him with phone calls and trying to sneak into the delivery room even though I told her she could not be there.

Hours later, no progress. I was overdue, had a huge baby in me, had exhausted all possibilities of moving labor along, and I started to spike a high fever. The most-unelpful-nurse-ever told me that they were worried about the baby. It had been so long. Something like 30 hours. The baby was stressed, there was evidence of infection. Within five minutes they had me in the operating room, an emergency c-section. Baby was born with a fever, but was treated and looked to be OK.

I was delirious by that point but knew that nursing Child early was crucial to establishing the nursing bond. So I nursed, through the night. Husband slept.

The nurse told me that I needed to get up out of bed and take a shower the next morning. The pain was excruciating. The delirium was making me dizzy. I had an allergic reaction to one of the meds they pumped into the IV that made me really itchy. 

I made it to the shower. I started crying. How am I going to move to wash myself? I thought through tears. "Husband?" I yelled into the room. He was sleeping. "Husband!" I yelled as loud as I could considering that I just had my stomach cut open. The nurse heard me outside in the hallway. "Do you need something?" she said. "I just really want some help from my husband." I said through tears. She managed to wake him up. 

"What do you need?" He said. "I just really need someone to help wash me because I hurt so bad." Husband look confused. "Well, what do you want me to do?" "I don't know, just put some soap on the washcloth for me." I said. "I'm not sure what you want me to do." He replied. I just want comforted! I want you to pay attention to me. Show empathy. Recognize that I feel like I'm dying here and don't know what to do! I thought. "Forget it." I said, and he left the room.

The next night Child wanted to nurse all night long. The nurses tried to help me get him into the bassinet, but he would have none of it. So I sat awake all night holding Child. Nursing Child. Conversing with the nurses to get help. And Husband slept. 

When I think back to our experience in the hospital, I don't remember Husband ever touching me. No wiping away tears, no hand holding, no rubbing my back, no kiss, no hugging. No encouraging words. Just silence. For years, I thought that I was weak in how I handled labor and Child's infancy. Now I know that I was just tired from doing it all alone.