Avoiding the Swirl

When I think about what detachment looks like, I picture a whirlpool at a hotel I went to with my family once when I was about 5 years old. The whirlpool had a very strong current (and has probably been shut down by now for safety reasons), and if you floated in there in an inner tube, you'd swirl around and around and get sucked into the middle. I kept getting sucked in, and my mom had to jump in and grab me out each time. It was best to sit on the edge with my feet in the water.

Addiction and codependency are the whirlpool, sometimes they swirl so forcefully that I have a hard time climbing out and safely sitting on the edge. We are going to be moving later this year, and I have been looking at housing options. I asked Husband for some information so that I could figure out a budget if we were to move back in together. But Husband is stressed out this week, and my questions came at the wrong time for him. He got angry. The swirl got stronger. He didn't answer my phone call on purpose. I texted him. The swirl became more forceful. He thought I was prying into his financial information.

And then I got sucked into the middle of the whirlpool. I was so angry. How dare he get angry at me for looking into us moving back in together! He should be doing nothing but worshipping the ground I walk on at this point! And this upcoming weekend is disclosure day in therapy! He has no right to be angry about anything after all he's put me through! He's the one who put us in this financial bind, and now he wants us to just suffer more!

I could feel that it was getting dangerous, so I got off the phone. I asked God to help me out of the water. I sat with my feet on the edge and realized that Husband's emotions aren't right or wrong. He is entitled to emotions just as I am. But I do not have to engage with him when he is angry. I was quickly becoming resentful and controlling, and I don't like myself when I get that way. I can detach and relax. It feels much better sitting on the edge of the whirlpool. It can get scary in there.

So What's My Story? The Newlyweds

The husband and wife got married in their Church in a beautifully spiritual ceremony. They went on a honeymoon to a tropical location. They had fun, but the wife had a painful feeling towards the end of the trip. What is this, God? she asked. Maybe it's guilt from the fancy honeymoon. Maybe that was the nagging feeling. Or was it the lack of connected sex? It felt empty, but confusing.

The newlyweds also struggled with intimacy. They were following NFP (Natural Family Planning), which is the only family planning method endorsed by the Catholic Church. The husband had a really hard time with this, and the wife used it as an excuse to avoid sex and not deal with her underlying fears surrounding sex.

But the couple had some great moments during that first year. They liked to sit on the porch and play board games late into the night. They went running together, went to movies, and stayed up late talking. They went to Church together. At times, it was so comfortable, and it felt so right.

Flowers Make Me Happy

In a fit of insomnia, I starting playing with templates on Blogger. My blog layout doesn't need to be dark and gloomy even if some aspects of my life are dark and gloomy. Mostly, my life is colorful and serene, and thus, so now are the colors on my blog.

Fear of Dark Places

2011

My hands are shaking. My breath is short. Am I really seeing this? This must just be spam email. No wait, the emails are addressed to Husband. I must have mistakenly opened his account and not mine. There's more, pages and pages more. Shocking words on the screen. Images. Stories. I'm speechless. I'm frozen in this moment. Husband looks over at me and notices my distress. "What's wrong?" he says. "What is all this?" I respond. His shoulders slump, his face turns pale. "I don't know." he says. "Not a good enough answer!" I yell. "I was lonely. I was just searching. It was really only a few times." he says, not knowing that I've already clicked through pages and pages, years of deceit. I call my sister. "I think I'm going to come with Child and stay with you." I say. Husband interjects, "No, I should probably leave." In my state of shock, I forget that wives can kick husbands out of the house for stuff like this. He leaves. I'm left alone. With my child. I don't even cry. I just stare blankly. Time stops and I stand in the middle of my living room. Dumbfounded. My sister calls back, the phone ring startling me back to the present. "I'm coming to stay with you. I don't know what's going on, but I know you and you need me there."

2013

My hands are shaking. I'm feeling light-headed. The therapist asks me what information I don't want to know during disclosure. And what questions I plan to ask. What details are important to me. I don't have answers. Disclosure day is a week away, and I have no idea what I want to know. What I don't want to know. Don't I know everything? He says that I likely know all there is to know, but Husband still needs to come clean. But do I know everything? What if Therapist is preparing me for another D-Day? Is he going to say something that is just too much for me to hear? Something that puts me over the edge? Therapist keeps talking about patterns, recovery, codependence. But I'm frozen in time. Paralyzing fear. Husband has made great progress. Kind gestures, moments of honest communication. But he's a stranger. My brother texts as I leave the session. "I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I would do anything for you, and I am praying for you."

Time To Face The Music

I grew up playing the piano, and I continued to play through college. I played every day, hours a day. It was a passion, it was therapeutic, it was everything to me. Growing up, my teacher would have a recital each year where all of her students would play one memorized piece. One year, I forgot my piece. I got about halfway through and completely blanked. It was a piece by Chopin. I was mortified, humiliated, traumatized. Me, the child who wanted to do everything perfectly, had made a mistake in front of a large crowd of people. I'm still surprised to this day that I didn't quit piano after that day. Somehow, by the grace of God, I stuck with it. I became a better player for it. There was no way to overcome it except to just jump back in, keep playing, and do better next time.

I played recitals in college. Recitals were an hour of memorized music that I played on stage in front of an audience. Just me. Up there. For everyone to see and hear and judge. This terrified me considering my past failing, but I learned tactics to deal with the fear. Prayer and preparation were key. I memorized the pieces in several different ways. I memorized the way my hands felt on the keys. I memorized the melody. I memorized what the pages of notes looked like. And the more I prayed and prepared, the more I eased my anxiety.

Tonight I met with Husband's therapist to discuss the upcoming disclosure process. The familiar emotions overcame me on the drive to the therapist's office. My heart raced. I felt a little light-headed. The fear was overwhelming. We had failed in therapy before, last spring. I kept going and Husband quit. With this same therapist. I felt like a failure. I was scared for the process.

But there is no other way to move forward. I have to stick with it, enter the disclosure process, and pray that I have prepared enough to handle what is to come. I have my support group, my therapist, my family, and most importantly, God. I'm prepared.

On Spirituality and Religion

I wasn't sure if I should get involved in the topic of religion on my blog, but I'm interested in and confused by it, it's part of my story of the wife of a sex addict, and I would love to hear other perspectives.

I grew up Catholic, and by that I mean that I grew up in a very conservative, very practicing Catholic family. I have spent countless hours and days trying to understand Catholicism, trying to follow the rules, and trying to be a good Catholic. But when my world fell apart after the discovery of Husband's sex addiction, I began a period of serious reflection. I felt like I no longer knew anything for sure, and many of my questions had to do with religion.

Catholicism teaches that sex must be life-affirming. In other words, no masturbation, no condoms, no birth control, and no sex before marriage or outside of marriage. And porn would be in the no category as well. But what about the situation where the Husband is a sex addict? Yes, it's sinning according to the Church, but what about the wife? Am I supposed to have life-affirming sex with someone without a condom when I will never know for sure if it is safe to do so? Or am I supposed to abstain forever? What if I don't think that we should bring another child into the picture under our current circumstances, but we are supposed to have life-affirming sex, which means that we should be open to more children? Or should I try to get an annulment and divorce because I can't practice my religion 'correctly' with my current spouse?

Right after D-Day, the first thing I did was go to my priest for guidance. Unfortunately, he had no idea how to handle me. I know I'm not the first Catholic wife with a sex addict husband, but he really didn't know what to tell me or how to guide me. I've had terrible difficulty finding any Catholic resources on these issues. I've searched and searched for blogs of Catholic women with a sex addict husband and cannot find any (although maybe I'm not looking in the right place). Most of the advice I've seen on forums is to go to confession, go to Church, and just quit sinning. I don't want it to be this way. I want to be able to go to my Church and find support and healing.

I've actually found the most support and the most honest discussion about God in my S-Anon meetings, and I am truly grateful for those women who have helped me to develop a relationship with a loving and merciful God. I've also been so inspired by the writing of many women who are LDS who either have the support of their Church or advocate for support if they are not getting it. I would love to be a positive voice within the Catholic Church to help provide more support and understanding for people who are hurting from sex addiction.

How Long Should I Wait For the Marshmallow?

There is a task used by psychologists to test how much self control children have. A child is asked to sit at a table. The adult puts a marshmallow in front of the child and tells the child that if she waits while the adult leaves the room, she can have two marshmallows when the adult comes back. But, if the child does not want to wait, she can eat the marshmallow, but she will only get one. Watching how children react to this scenario is fascinating...and hilarious. The researchers videotape children's behavior when they are left alone in the room with a marshmallow (youtube Mischel marshmallow task). Children try to distract themselves from eating the marshmallow by singing, dancing, and playing games. They talk to themselves, convincing themselves to wait. They touch the marshmallow, pretend to eat it, and sometimes they just take a tiny little bite hoping maybe the adult won't notice when she returns to the room.

My husband's progress in recovery is painfully slow. But if I try to control it, manipulate it, or "fix" it, I will only get one marshmallow. It only provides temporary relief to try to intervene and speed up the process, but it never gets the outcome I desire. If I let go and let God and Husband lead the recovery process, I will hopefully get a bunch of marshmallows in the form of safe and healthy love. But it's so hard to be patient! I try to distract myself. I pray for patience. Sometimes I take a little bite of the marshmallow by saying something to Husband that seems innocent, but is controlling. "Hi Husband. I just wanted to call and say Hi but I know you are probably getting ready to go to your meeting." which is code for "I'm checking up on you testing you to see if you really are attending a meeting like you said."

Today I'm feeling very impatient, but I really want more marshmallows...big fluffy marshmallows...so I wait.