Dreamweaver

There are several theories about why we have dreams. There are those who believe that dreams are simply the brain's way of consolidating memories, and rapid firing neurons end up putting together strings of memories, thoughts, and emotions in a somewhat random way during sleep. Those of the more spiritual type tend to believe that dreams are God's way of telling us something. I've heard countless stories of times in which people have said that God gave them a message in a dream. Of course, there are biblical roots to this concept of dreams as well. I tend to think that both dream theories are right.

I have an appointment this week with Husband's therapist to discuss his upcoming disclosure process. The therapist wants to talk to me about any fears I may have, what I can expect, and how I can prepare. Since scheduling this appointment, I have felt 'off'. I've been a little forgetful, more emotional than usual, and have had a lot of trouble sleeping. Because of nightmares. I have a recurring dream that Husband is cheating on me and lying about it. In the dreams, I panic because I somehow missed the signs again. And in the dreams, he always lies to my face while I have evidence of the cheating. I have another recurring dream in which I cheat on Husband with the boy from my past. In those dreams, I wish I was back with him, and I always choose the boy in the past over the Husband in my dreams.

It's easy for me to see where the dreams represent memories and accompanying thoughts and emotions. I've worked through the trauma of the boy from my past in therapy, and I've discussed the fact that he was very passionate. Sometimes I convince myself that it would have been easier with boy from the past because if he wanted something, if he was happy, or if he was mad, he let me know loud and clear. Husband, on the other hand, is a giant mystery. I also see how the dream about Husband cheating is likely happening more frequently now because we're going to go through the disclosure process. All of those memories about finding out that he is a sex addict are resurfacing.

But I also think that perhaps God is giving me a message through these recurring dreams. I'm not sure exactly what the message is, but I'm trying to be open to hearing it. Perhaps it is a message about how I've let FEAR run my life. Perhaps it's a challenge to work through some of my issues prior to the disclosure process. Perhaps it is a gentle reminder to lean on God during this process. I can't do this alone. And in every dream, I fail to come out of the situation with a solution. Maybe I need to let God be a part of the process.

Where Are My Marriage Books?

The other night I was driving and listening to a woman talk on the the radio about a book she wrote on marriage. While listening to her speak about her strategies for maintaining a healthy marriage, I had a lightbulb moment. Where are my marriage books?

I'm naturally curious and the sort of person who gains new insights by being an avid reader. When I had my child, I bought every book about parenting I could get my hands on. I wanted to know everything I could know about how other mothers and professionals deal with common parenting difficulties. This was hugely helpful to me as I didn't have family nearby to give me words of wisdom. My mom was always a phone call away, but there is something very powerful for me about hearing the stories of many women in many different situations. I also have a huge collection of books on faith and spirituality. Self-help books, books written by religious leaders of different denominations, and books on deep and critical analysis of faith line my bookshelves. When I found out about Husband's addiction, a new section of my bookshelves emerged. Books on sexual betrayal, dealing with addiction, co-dependency, anger, meditation, you name it. This was combined with reading countless blogs of brave women walking this path with me.

I probably have hundreds of books in my house, and not one of them is on having a healthy marriage. I never once, throughout dating my spouse and getting married to him and living with him before I knew he was an addict, did I buy a book on maintaining a healthy marriage. The truth is that my collections of books represent how I invest my time, and unfortunately, I devoted almost no time to understanding what a healthy marriage looks like and how to be a good spouse. This is a sad truth. If I'm honest with myself, I recognize now that my marriage was never a priority. Addiction or not, I prioritized everything above my marriage, because Husband was so easy going. I thought he'd just always be there hanging out, and so I did not invest in my marriage.

Today I am taking a day off work to go to the bookstore.

Going Back In The Trenches

Husband and his therapist have decided to ask me if I am willing to go through a formal disclosure process in which Husband comes clean, and I have a chance to tell him all of the ways in which his addiction has affected me as a woman, wife, and mother. All that peace I was feeling this weekend? Tonight it has been replaced with fear, anger, and probably some other emotions I can't identify.

I want to go through the disclosure process...I think. I definitely wanted to the first year after D-Day, I so desperately wanted him to do anything that resembled recovery. Now that I've let go of the addiction? I'm hesitant to jump back in the trenches with him. My therapist assured me that this would be a healing experience for me, and me agreeing to the process does not mean that I have to make a long-term decision about our marriage.

I'm angry that he didn't do this two years ago when I was begging him, pleading with him to get help. But I'm also glad he is doing it now, because I am in a much better place to process my emotions and be honest about my feelings.

I'm going to be praying for peace and serenity. I got off the roller coaster this year, and I'm going to use all of my recovery tools to stay on solid ground during this process.

I Was Too Busy

One of my character flaws is using busyness as a way to avoid real connection with other people and as a way to avoid my emotions and tough decisions. Regardless of the decisions my Husband has made to damage our relationship, I have to acknowledge that I have damaged the relationship by my busyness. The more Husband sank into his addiction, the more I avoided him with busyness. I was living a life where I barely had time to breathe, let alone deal with emotions, decisions, or relationships. I took my marriage for granted. I can regretfully say that I did not give any effort whatsoever into maintaining a good relationship with Husband. Especially after he started to procrastinate and miss deadlines. Instead of asking him if he wanted to talk, I ignored him. I thought, I'm too busy for his crap. I have enough to deal with, I don't have time to listen to my Husband and all of his woes.

I didn't just do it to my Husband. I wasn't good at maintaining friendships, and I didn't put effort into my relationship with my family. I think I knew on some level that putting effort into relationships would mean vulnerability. Allowing someone to get close enough to me to be able to hurt me was one of my worst fears. I rationalized that if I just kept everyone at a reasonable distance with my busyness, I wouldn't feel pain.

My progress in this area in the last two years has been slow but steady.

For these opportunities for a new way of living and healing, I am grateful for experiencing addiction. I live with more purpose, and I live in the real and present world cherishing time with my child.

So What's My Story? The Hint

The Hint

The girl and the boy were engaged. And because they were both practicing in their faith, they took the advice of their priest and participated in pre-marital counseling. They took it a step further and went to a weekend retreat for engaged couples. They had the blessing of both families. The girl's family thought the boy was a dream come true. He was kind, took care of the girl, and had a good heart.

The boy and the girl didn't live together before marriage. One day, the girl went over to the boy's house and noticed a calendar above his desk that had women in bikinis on it. The girl was surprised and offended. She asked the boy to get rid of the calendar because it was disrespectful to her. He agreed and took it down. She was relieved, but something in the back of her mind held onto that moment. Why was this something that he thought was OK? And what was the point of looking at half-naked women at his desk? She decided to just let it go because he got rid of the calendar. When she went over the next day, he had a new more appropriate calendar hanging. Problem solved.

A week later, the girl went back over to the boy's house. The boy didn't remember that she was coming over. She walked in and saw the calendar with women in bikinis hanging above the desk again. She was livid. NOT because of the calendar (although she probably should have been more livid about that), but because he lied. He told her he got rid of the calendar, and he did not. Why did he go through so much effort and a lie to keep a silly calendar? She gave him the silent treatment. She wanted to yell and scream, but she was afraid of her own anger. By the end of the day, she decided to speak up. "I'm upset because you lied. If you lie about the little things, you could also lie about the big things." She said. He apologized profusely, and he promised to finally take the calendar down. She felt content with the end of the conversation.

What she didn't know was that by the time they were engaged, he had already lied about the big things. He was already an addict.

Just Let Go

I had a great weekend. And that is an honest statement because this is my blog, and I can say what I really think and feel. In the past, if anyone asked, I always responded that I had a great weekend. But most of the time, I did not. I always acted as though everything was just peachy, and I realize now how in denial I was about the state of my marriage.

Today, I feel serenity. I'm finding that the more I let go of the addiction and all that comes with it, the anger, the resentment, and the need to control, the more manageable my life seems. The more open I am to positive experiences. The more I have fun. And, probably most surprising of all, the more I let go of the addiction, the more Husband seems to delve into his recovery. This is really the outcome that has me most amazed. I let go of his addiction the moment I told him he had to move out of our house. I divorced the addiction. And as soon as I quit obsessing over the addiction, he started to care about recovery.

So this weekend was great. We had a family dinner where we laughed and didn't pretend. Every now and then I get glimpses of pure joy, something I haven't experienced since I was a child. I am so thankful for my own child, who reminds me how beautiful life is, even in our circumstances.

Crazy Talk

I was very busy the past few weeks traveling for work. I've learned that traveling is a huge trigger for me. I worry about my child when I travel, I worry about money, I get behind on household chores, I worry about what Husband is doing, and I get lonely and tired and do not take care of myself well. I need a week or so to "recover" from traveling, and during that time, I often engage in crazy talk. It's that tape that plays over and over in my mind telling me that I'm not being a good mother, a good employee, a good daughter, wife, or friend. I berate myself for the messy house, for not being on top of work, for not spending enough time with my child. I feel insecure and want to run to my Husband for support. All of those things I do for self care when not traveling get thrown out the window. Basically, I panic.

But there's a difference between my crazy talk in my mind now and crazy talk of the past. With the benefit of therapy, support groups, and education on addiction and co-dependency, I can recognize that the tapes playing in my head are unjustifiably harsh. The truth is that I am doing the best I can during a busy time. I may not have a clean kitchen, but I still fix healthy dinners for my child. I may be a bit distracted at work, but I still meet the most pressing deadline. I may not be engaging in enough self care, but tomorrow I plan to exercise. I may not have been an attentive enough friend, but I can set up a lunch date to catch up. In reality, I'm doing OK. And I can continue to do OK without Husband, as I continue to develop my relationship with my Higher Power.

For now, I am going to play with my child and enjoy a quiet evening at home. Tomorrow is a new day, and I am alright.