Sunday, August 31, 2014

Rational Thought

Continued from here and then here...

Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy.

I had tried every possible method to convince my husband to get better. I had worked for a year to try harder and beg more. I put my foot down countless times in anger. Trying to convince myself that this time it would make him stop acting out. And, of course, none of that worked.

Never once did I consider surrendering the situation to God. I know now that I never had any control to begin with, but at the time, I acted as though I was self-sufficient. Besides, even the existence of a higher power was, at best, a shaky concept.

So imagine my surprise when I decided to give up on my marriage, to stop trying, that my husband found some sobriety. His newfound recovery didn't make sense. I had made my decision. Me, myself, and I had assessed the situation, decided there was no hope, and resigned. And I was wrong.

It was really, for me, the first time I really had to wave the white flag and admit that I was not in control. Of outcomes, of other people, of situations.

The only possible way to explain what I witnessed in my husband is that it was a miracle. I couldn't rationalize it.

And it not only blew my mind, it made me angry...

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