Sunday, August 17, 2014

A Fragile Conversion Story

Sometimes the experiences I hold most dear are the most difficult to share. At the risk of feeling vulnerable, this is the story of a conversion that is in the making.

When we were first married, we agreed that I was not going to use contraception. We successfully used natural family planning techniques to avoid pregnancy. Unfortunately, I used it as an excuse to avoid intimacy, and Husband used it as an excuse to resent me.

When D-Day happened, I was angry at a lot of things, including the Catholic Church's teachings on sexuality, at least what I knew of them at the time. I felt as though natural family planning left me exposed and used. In addition to closing off sexual intimacy with my husband for obvious reasons, I also closed off fertility completely by going on birth control. I had always wanted to be open to life and have several children if possible, and we had been discussing trying to have another child right before D-Day. I was bitter and resentful for the loss of that dream. I blamed our marriage troubles and the addiction, in part, on following church teaching on sexual intimacy.

I remained bitter towards the Church and kept my fertility shut off for almost three years. I thought that only a miracle would convince me to change my mind.

To be continued...


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