Confusion

Lately, I've wanted to write a lot about the character defects I see in Husband. I want to spew out lots of negative thoughts. I want to share details of his most shameful acts. I've written posts, kept them as drafts, posted them and then deleted them. Clearly, there is some indecisiveness at work here. Some days, I feel as though I am justified in criticizing Husband because that's just reality. There are things he does that drive me crazy. Other days, I feel as though I am focusing too much on things over which I cannot control when I zoom in on things I do not like about Husband. So I've been reflecting a bit on why.

Why do I want to criticize Husband so badly? Is it because of anger? Is it because of fear? A combination of anger and fear? Or, is it possibly because thinking about the bad things justifies the way I push him and everyone close to me away?

I'm coming to realize that this may have little to do with addiction and a lot to do with everything else. You see, Husband is currently in solid recovery. He regularly talks to his sponsor, works his steps, goes to meetings, reads literature, and works to repair the damage he's done to the family. He apologizes frequently, expresses his appreciation for me letting him live in the same house as us, and takes on most of the household duties.

I got what I wanted. Now what?

As it turns out, Husband's sobriety has not miraculously "fixed" our relationship. And I think that his recovery is actually bringing to light many of the issues we face as a couple that go much deeper. Like my need to escape anytime I feel that we are moving towards some greater level of intimacy.  Husband's lingering sense of entitlement, especially when it comes to material possessions. Both of us clinging to the notion that comfortably distant is the best way to be in a relationship.

Of course, Husband's past behavior has completely exacerbated some of our issues, but it's not as though the issues were not there prior D-Day.

I think that sometimes I want to focus on Husband's bad qualities as a way to justify not working on my part in the marriage. But I have good reasons to stay distant. I have been terribly hurt in the past. I have a reason to be wary of any kind of vulnerability in this relationship.

Ultimately, though, if I choose to continue to stay in this marriage, there are risks I will eventually need to take. Amends to be made. Intimacy to be restored.

I guess I'm just not sure I'm ready to move forward. Yet.